Asking kindred spirits for money - Part 2
Note:
You can find the beginning of this page at
Asking Kindred Spirits for Money - Part 1.
The upfront contract
The purpose of the upfront contract is to answer the question...
How are we going to have this conversation?
Are we going to have it...
With pressure or with freedom?
As adversaries or as partners?
The upfront contract is...
Strange
People don't expect it.Special
It's what makes this ask different from other asks.Surprising
Once a prospect says yes to the contract and steps over the threshold, she finds freedom. Instead of shrinking back, she gets to bring all of herself to the conversation.
The upfront contract is not a magic formula. It doesn't save us from having to show up. It's a way of showing up. And through it...
We do a very big piece of relationship work in a very few sentences.
And speaking of relationship, it takes two to contract, so that means no scripts.
In a minute, I'm going to give you some sample conversations to illustrate what I'm talking about. What happened was that one morning I sat down to see if I could write a standard script for an upfront contract and found that I couldn't do it.
I couldn't make it work if I didn't know who I was talking to. That's because the upfront contract is relational. It's something you and your prospect do together.
It's not generic patter that you lay on a generic donor.
And as I tried to write a formula script I started feeling lonely, so I imagined a prospect with a personality of her own, and the script turned into dialogue. Then I imagined another prospect and another and found myself learning a lot from such a simple exercise.
So now I want to recommend to you to do the same: imagine dialogues. It's a great practice because you get to...
Find out what words come to you naturally.
Create your own genuine ask instead of performing somebody else's.
Discover how you want to ask, what works for you, instead of trying to "do it right."
And I want to recommend that you...
Imagine donors with different personalities and needs, so you develop range.
Make some of your imagined prospects a bit challenging, so you can figure out how you want to handle it when someone throws you a curve ball.
Jim Camp is who taught me the upfront contract and I recommend his book, NO: The Only Negotiation System You Need for Work and Home, which despite the self-helpy title is about a very rigorous system.
If you like Jim's approach, remember to translate his advice into your own words and use your own personality.
Jim likes to say, "Play this with your own music."
So instead of following a script, we're going to focus on principles. Not rigid ones. These are not shoulds.
These principles are generative, which means a very few of them can generate an incredible diversity of conversations. They are also relational, which means they allow you to relate directly to the person who's right there in front of you.
Here's an example of key principles put together in a single sentence...
When I ask a kindred spirit for money,
I give her permission to say no,
so she can think about her need to contribute,
make a real decision,
and tell me what's true for her.
For me, that's what an ask is.
And here's something else to notice about an upfront contract:
The contract itself is an ask.
So when I do an ask, I'm actually doing two...
Will you be my partner in this conversation?
Does our mission match your need to contribute?
For me, that first question, however it's stated, has to come first. It sets the context for everything that follows. This is like the foundation for the house, it makes the difference between the house standing or falling.
You're asking your prospect...
To make a real decision now about making a real decision later on.
Maybe that feels a little strange, but I find it very helpful to think about it like that. It's weird how asking for money has a way of cheapening a conversation. That's why it's important to remember that we're actually asking about a mission. There is a touch of the sacred here. You're giving your prospect a chance to connect with a mission that might become very important to her, that might even change her life. Of course that won't be true for everyone. But for some it will be.
There's one more thinkg I really like about the upfront contract. Most fundraising books I've read say the number one fear people have when it comes to asking is the fear of rejection.
For me, when I tell my prospect it's okay to say no...
That fear is gone in an instant.
The ask is no longer about me succeeding or failing. It's only about my prospect figuring out what she wants to do.
Now let's take a look at some scenarios I wrote out as practice so you can see the upfront contract in different flavors. I wrote these as though I were still at CAP because that helped me get inside the conversations and make them more real.
1. TARA
Rich: Hi, Tara!
Tara: Hi, Rich!
Rich: I wanted to talk with you about joining our Leadership Circle at CAP, which involves a major donation. But I don't want you to do this unless you really want to.
Here's why I'm saying that. I don't like it when people ask me for money and they put the pressure on. I feel pushed up against the wall. I know the only answer that will make them happy is yes, and I already contribute to my favorite nonprofits.
Do you know what I mean?
Tara: Do I ever! Happens all the time. Is there any other way to do fundraising?
Rich: Yes. I hope so. And that's what I want to do with you. I'm not going to pressure you. And you especially, because our friendship matters to me way more than any donation.
So if you're willing to have a conversation with me about the Leadership Circle, when we're done, I'll simply ask you to stop and think about the decision you want to make. And then you can just tell me what's true for you. How would that be?
Tara: Do you really mean it?
Rich: I do.
Tara: Yes, actually I know that about you. You always treat me with consideration and respect. So this conversation is just part of the relationship we already have? Is that it?
Rich: That's it exactly.
Tara: Okay, then I'm ready to go. This is different than how I've ever been asked before. I want to see what it feels like. Where do we start?
Rich: What would you like to know?
Tara: Hmm, well, since I used to be a teacher, I want to know what happens to the kids in the classroom. I'm so angry about teaching to the test and the stupid textbooks and the curriculum requirements that have nothing to do with the real world.
What do you do to counter that? Does CAP wake kids up, does it make them think? Do they pay attention to what you're teaching? Do they use what they've learned when they're in dangerous situations?
Instead of dumbing kids down are you smarting them up? That's what I care about.
Rich: Okay, how about if I tell you how we empower kids as we teach them self-defense strategies and I can give you some true stories of kids getting away from kidnappers and molesters.
Then you can tell me the ways in which we match or don't match your definition of smarting up. How's that sound?
Tara: Yes, that works for me. I really want to hear this...
2. LYNN
Rich: Hi, Lynn!
Lynn: Hi, Rich!
Rich: At CAP we're looking for people who might want to make a contribution and become part of our Leadership Circle.
And I'd like to talk with you about that, if that's okay, but first here's something important to know. We're just looking for kindred spirits. We're just looking for people who'd sincerely love to be in our Leadership Circle.
We don't want to twist anyone's arm. In fact, three months ago at our Board meeting, so many of us felt so strongly about this that we made it official policy.
Lynn: Whoa, Nellybones! Are you ever going to find anyone that way?
Rich: Oh, yes, we already have. And I can tell you it feels great to look down the list of the members of our Circle and know that every single one of them is happy to be part of it. We know that for each of them, giving to CAP genuinely meets their need to make a difference.
Lynn: Okay, now I'm curious. I'd like to see that list. Is that a cheeky thing to ask?
Rich: Not at all. Here it is.
Lynn: Oh, yes, I know Tom and Everett. I think I see what you mean. It would feel good to know that everyone really wants to be there. There's something clean about it.
Rich: Yes, that's it. So if you're willing to have a conversation with me about CAP, what I'd like to do at the end is simply ask you to take a moment and think about whether this Circle is something you'd really like to be part of or not. Then just tell me what's true for you.
And as I said, it's really okay with me if you tell me no.
Lynn: Well, I can't see any risk here. No tricks?
Rich: None. We're really serious about this.
Lynn: Okay, I believe you, I guess.
Rich: Is there anything else you need to feel really solid about making this decision?
Lynn: No. When you say it that way, actually not. I do believe you.
Rich: Okay, so I can begin by telling you the basics about CAP, or do you have questions you'd like to start with?
Lynn: I have questions, but give me the two-minute background on CAP, the budget, number of staff, kids served, who's on the Board. And then I'll have a bunch of questions. I mean a bunch. I don't give lightly. I need to know an organization before I make a serious donation.
Rich: That sounds good to me. And if you want, we'd be glad to have you come sit in on a children's workshop. You can pick whatever age level interests you.
Lynn: Yes, I'd like that. But won't it disturb the kids?
Rich: No, because we never have more than one visitor at a time, and they'll just think you're one of us.
And if you want to talk with anyone in our Leadership Circle, you can. They've all said they'd be happy to talk with prospective members.
Lynn: How about if I give Tom and Everett a call since I know them?
Rich: That's fine.
Lynn: One more thing. Would you mind me reading through your 990? At work I always do due diligence when I'm putting together a deal. And I'm the same way about a major donation.
Rich: This is exactly why we'd like to have you in our Leadership Circle, because you take this seriously. I'll put a 990 in the mail to you this afternoon.
Lynn: Okay, I'm set. Give me my background, then buckle up and get ready for my questions...
3. LILY
Rich: Hi, Lily! I want to see if you'd be willing to talk with me about joining our Leadership Circle of major donors. But first there's something much more important I want to check out with you.
I don't like it when people pressure me to give money. And I don't like pressuring people.
Do you know what I mean?
Lily: Do I ever! I used to do it myself when I was running my nonprofit.
Rich: Well, that's not the kind of conversation I want to have with you. Our friendship matters to me more than any donation.
If you're willing to talk with me about CAP, when we're done I'll ask you to take a moment and think about it and then just tell me what's true for you.
How would that be? Would you feel comfortable telling me no?
Lily: Hmmm.
Rich: Take your time right now and think about this.
Lily: Thanks. I'm a little slow when it comes to setting limits and stuff like that.
Rich: I know how that is. I used to struggle with saying no. But the only thing that matters to me in this conversation is that you make the decision that's right for you.
Lily: Thanks for saying that. Okay, I promise to say no if that's what I'm feeling.
Rich: Okay.
Lily: But why did you pick me to talk to?
Rich: I know you're passionate about social change and you're so smart about strategy that every time I talk with you I come away fired up about lots of new ideas. I consider you to be a kindred spirit and I'd love to have you be a member of our Circle. But only if it's a match for you.
Lily: Well, I agree with you about pressure. I really don't like it.
Rich: Yes, and here's the thing about CAP. The whole point of our work is to empower children. So it would be all wrong for us not to empower our donors to make their own decisions. We really do want people to just tell us what's true for them.
Lily: Oh, I get what you're saying now. Sure, I'd be glad to have the conversation with you. I do admire CAP. It's amazing what you've accomplished. But I also like to be personally involved with organizations I give to and I have no idea what that would look like with CAP.
Let's talk. But I don't know whether I'm going to say yes or no.
Rich: Perfect. I like the idea of us being real with each other.
Lily: Okay, but let's set another time when I won't be watching the clock. Is Friday possible? I've got time to do a long lunch then and I want to be able to give this my full attention...
4. BRAD
Rich: Hey, Brad!
Brad: Rich! How's it going?
Rich: Great for me, not so good for you.
Brad: Okay, I'll bite. Why's that?
Rich: Because I'm going to ask you for money. It's April, so we're doing our annual campaign for CAP.
Brad: Look out! The ASK-ENSTEIN is loose!
Rich: You bet and he's hungrier than ever, which means this year I want to ask you to become one of our major donors.
Brad: How much are you going to hit me for?
Rich: Nothing!
Brad: I'm off the hook?
Rich: No, you're going to hit yourself.
Brad: What?
Rich: Is there any way on God's green Earth that I could make you give me money if you don't want to give it?
Brad: Not hardly.
Rich: I've never once seen you let someone else make a decision for you.
Brad: That's the secret of my sweet success.
Rich: I believe it. So how about a deal?
Brad: Depends. Pitch me.
Rich: Here's what it is. I'll tell you about what we've accomplished this past year and our plans for the year ahead. Then you take whatever time you need so you can decide if you want to move up to the Leadership Circle this year. Personally I want you there because you've got the kind of moxie we want in the Circle. But I don't want you there if you don't really want to be there.
Brad: Give me the update and I'll tell you if I'm in or if I'm out. I'm doing really well this year so if I like what I hear, I might take the leap. Hows that for a tease?
Rich: Well, then, I'm going to give you my best presentation. It's going to be the best presentation I've ever given to anybody.
Brad: Only the best for Brad. That's what I like.
Rich: Okay, where do you want to start?
Brad: Your plans. I know about your accomplishments. Dude, I actually read your newsletter. Tell me what's ahead. And remember I like ambitious people...
Some people become really good at the contract conversation very quickly. For me it was a challenge. I was not conmfortable being so direct with people. I was super busy being nice to everyone because I wanted them to like me.
I finally did learn that being real is a whole lot better than being nice. But it took me a good while and a whole lot of practice to get there.
So I want to say, if you're feeling blocked or daunted, but do want to get good at making upfront contracts, here are a couple strategies to consider...
You can do the first half by itself. You can do an upfront offer instead of a full contract. You can give your prospect permission to say no, and then move ahead without asking for a response.You make a statement but you don't go for the agreement. Some percentage of your prospects will get what you mean and believe you mean it. And some won't, but that's life.
And then as you get more comfortable, you can start adding in the second half.
Another strategy is to practice with friends. You can role play fundraising asks with them in order to develop your confidence.
Here's something else to think about. Sometimes people who are not good at asking for money are just plain not good at asking. That was definitely me. It's true for a lot of nonprofit people who build their identities around always being the giver, so having to ask is like shorting out the circuit.
If that's true for you, you might look at parts of your life where you'd like to ask for more of something or less of something and practice there. Do some real asking inside a friendship or relationship, and then you can come back stronger to the fundraising ask.
Now, what if by the end of this page you still feel too uncomfortable to do any kind of ask at all? Then you can check out the last section on this page. It's called "Dessert." It's a delicious non-ask strategy just in case you need it.
At this point you may also feel skeptical: "Those scenarios you just gave us look very good and all, but does the upfront contract always work?"
I can tell you with complete assurance the upfront contract always works.
But if you're really asking, "Does it always get me a yes?" then no, it doesn't. Because remember...
The upfront contract is designed to get a real decision not a yes.
Let's look at a situation where a real decision shows up early in the conversation, but it's not a yes:
Rich: Hi, Sera!
Sera: Hi, Rich.
Rich: CAP is looking for people who might want to be part of our Leadership Circle and make a major donation to our work. And I wanted to talk with you about that.
But before we even go there, I need to say that I don't like being pressured to give money and I don't like pressuring people. So if you're willing to have this conversation, would you just tell me what's true for you? If it's a match tell me yes, if it's not tell me no.
Sera: I can tell you no right now. I'm really sorry, but I don't even want to have this conversation.
Rich: What's going on?
Sera: In the last three weeks, it seems like everyone I know has been asking me for big donations. It's all pressure, pressure, pressure. I don't care how you ask, I don't want to hear it.
Rich: Cool. We're done. It's over. And thanks for being so direct with me. I love that.
Sera: I'm sorry if I sound like Scrooge, but it's like everyone's decided I'm made of money all of a sudden. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I'm so mad. You're the one who got the blurt.
Rich: Actually, I like that. And here's a question for you. If I take you to lunch, would you tell me what you didn't like about all those asks? That would help me understand what goes wrong with fundraising, because it sure seems to me that a lot is going wrong. But do this only if you want to.
Sera: It would just be one big dump of frustration.
Rich: As long as you tell me the details, I love details.
Sera: Yeh, it would feel good to dump. I've really had it. I don't know what to say to people when the pressure is on.
Rich: Oh, well, I can tell you what I do. It works really well for me. It doesn't hurt people's feelings, but it sure gets rid of the pressure.
Sera: Deal! I'll dump and you tell me your secret. You buy lunch and I'll buy dessert...
What about the case where someone won't make a decision? What if you get a maybe?
Let's say I've been talking with Will about CAP and we've come to the decision point, but he's just not moving off maybe...
Rich: Take a moment to decide if this is a match for you or not.
Will: What I'd like to do is think about this and then maybe after tax season I'll get back to you.
Rich: It's really okay to tell me no.
Will: Maybe you could send me some materials and maybe if I have time to read them I could give this some more thought.
Rich: How about if we just make it a no? How would that be?
Will: Okay. That feels right.
I don't want anyone to carry a maybe away from an ask. That's a burden and it puts a big gob of unfinished business into the middle of our relationship with no plan for how it's going to get finished.
Whenever I've said, "Why don't we just make it a no?" I almost always see relief or hear a thank you, which means the person really wanted to say no. So I've done him a favor.
Even if I do the most masterful job of giving permission, people still have their own challenges with accepting the permission.
There are, of course, some times when a prospect says maybe and really means it.
Rich: Take a minute and decide what's true for you.
Evan: I might do this.
Rich: How about if we make that a no?
Evan: No, I really mean it. I might do this.
Rich: What do you need to be able to make your decision?
Evan: Would it be okay to sit in on a children's workshop?
Rich: You bet. Pick whatever age level you want to see and I'll set it up for you.
Evan: And could my wife come along? We make all our contribution decisions together.
Rich: We only have one visitor per workshop so the children don't get distracted. But we could arrange for her to go to a workshop on her own. How's that?
Evan: Oh, that's fine. You don't mind setting up two visits?
Rich: Not at all. Anything else you need to be able to make your decision?
Evan: That'll do it. If I think of anything else I'll let you know. Okay?
Rich: Perfect...
When I tried to turn the maybe into a no, I found out that there was something more my prospect needed. And as long as he's genuinely engaged in the process of making a decision I want to stick with him every step of the way.
Next, let's see how a conversation can go deeper when you invite a no.
Rich: Hi, Mr. Jameson.
Mr. Jameson: Yes?
Rich: I'm calling to talk with you about your donation to CAP. We love having you as part of our Leadership Circle. We're wondering if you'd be willing to increase your donation this year?
But as always, only if this is something you really want to do. If this doesn't work for you, feel free to tell us no.
Mr. Jameson: I don't plan to give anything this year.
Rich (silently freaking out): Would you mind taking a moment to tell me why you've made that decision? Is there something we've done that you don't like or disagree with?
Mr. Jameson: You're not in Lincoln Middle School anymore.
Rich: That's right.
Mr. Jameson: All three of my kids went there, and it was those years that really made them who they are. Those are the best teachers I've ever seen. They've all been there for more than twenty years. It's a great place, a real community in a time when that kind of thing is disappearing from our country, and if you're not supporting them anymore, I'm not supporting you.
Rich: Well, all I can say is that I really appreciate the stand you're taking for Lincoln. That school really is lucky to have you as a backer, even though your kids aren't there anymore.
Mr. Jameson: I keep in touch with those teachers. I believe in giving back. My kids were blessed by that school.
Rich: I understand that. At CAP, we're not supposed to have favorites, but I can tell you Lincoln is one of our favorite schools ever. It was the first school in the district to invite CAP in. We've worked with the teachers there from the very beginning. And for us, it's something very personal that we're not going back to Lincoln this year.
Mr. Jameson: Why aren't you then?
Rich: The teachers want us back but they've got a new principal who's set a new policy. They're only allowed to teach to the tests.
Mr. Jameson: I haven't met that guy yet.
Rich: We haven't either. We've asked for a meeting, but he told us there's nothing to discuss.
Mr. Jameson: That's just wrong.
Rich: We think so.
Mr. Jameson: What can we do? I know two of the guys on the school board. Is it time to call them?
Rich: Let's think about that for a minute.
Mr. Jameson: It would be a real travesty if Lincoln loses what makes it special.
Rich: Yes, it would. How do you think your friends would handle it if they heard from you?
Mr. Jameson: They respect me. I believe they'd look into it and take it seriously. I believe I can get across to them what's at stake here. They've got a gem in Lincoln and they shouldn't mess with it. And you know what?
Rich: What?
Mr. Jameson: I'm so mad, I'll give you the $3,000 I usually give, and I'll pledge you another $3,000 for Lincoln. How does that work for you? Kind of an escrow account. You get the school to do CAP and I'll release the money. Do you think that will help put the pressure on?
Rich: That would be a very dramatic way to take your stand. It might prove to be excellent leverage. The principal certainly wouldn't be able to fly under the radar with $3,000 on the table. You know, you're the first hope we've had on the Lincoln issue.
Mr. Jameson: Okay. I'm sending you my check and the "escrow" letter this afternoon. I'll call my guys tonight. I really think they'll be with us on this. Will you be around in the morning?
Rich: Yes.
Mr. Jameson: I'll call you then.
Rich: That's great, we'd like to stay in close touch with you on this. And we're ready to do whatever we can to get back into Lincoln.
Mr. Jameson: I'm glad we cleared this up. You know, I've always liked a good fight.
Rich: We know, we've followed your career closely since you're someone who's important to us.
Mr. Jameson: We'll keep it clean, but we're not going to back down on this.
Rich: I love hearing that. Your spirit is such a match for the spirit of CAP...
When you give permission to say no, sometimes you get one hell of a no. But if a donor is upset, don't you want to hear about it? Because then you can respond. How does it feel when a key donor disappears on you without a word?
A client of mine made a call to a major donor like Mr. Jameson. He was missing in action. It was three months past the time when he normally would have sent in his annual check.
She opened up a real conversation and immediately he fired off three objections at her, bam, bam, bam. She took a deep breath and started asking questions. Two of the objections were misunderstandings that she cleared up. The third was about a key policy change. Once he heard a detailed explanation, the donor supported it 100%.
In the end, not only did she get the check, but she deepened her relationship with him. Chances are that if he ever has an objection again, he'll feel free to call her immediately and check it out instead of silently stewing over it, getting more and more disaffected as time passes.
So there can be a lot at stake in giving a prospect permission to say what's true.
Let's look at another thing that can happen, in case it ever happens to you. Once I was giving permission to a prospect and I wasn't at all sure he was getting it. He just wasn't giving me a clear response. So I restated the permission four times in different words.
Finally, he said, "Alright already! I got it. I can tell you no. Now what's this about?"
Did that mean I pushed to hard? No, because now I knew he got it. And right then the conversation came alive. And that's what I need before I move ahead with an ask.
And once in a while you get a big reaction, because the upfront contract is unusual. It's surprising. People don't always know what to do with it. As long as you see them make a real decision to step into the conversation, you're okay.
There are lots of ways to do the upfront contract. You can make it your own. But sometimes people ask me, "Do I really have to do a contract? Isn't there any way around it?" And I have to say that I don't know any alternative.
I don't know any other way to do a relational ask than to do the relationship work that goes with it.
Surprises
Okay, you've got yourself an upfront contract, now you get the payoff. You've done the relationship work, now you get the relationship reward.
You've given your prospect permission to say no, and she's accepted it. So now, together, you get to have...
The freedom to explore yeses.
And when you're talking with the person instead of their wallet...
They might just give you more than you ever expected.
In the following conversations, we're starting right after the contract has been made.
Rich: What would you like to know about CAP. Where should we start?
Jane: I feel like I know so much about CAP already. I'm definitely a fan.
Rich: What is it you like?
Jane: I like the whole thing. Norma invited me to sit in on a children's workshop, and it was thrilling to see how engaged the kids were. How you could see the lights come on in their eyes. How they came up with really good ideas about what to do in dangerous situations. How they were able to talk about scary stuff with increasing confidence. How much they loved doing the special safety yell in their classroom.
Rich: Yes, that's always a big hit.
Jane: And I love your success stories. I was abused for years when I was a teenager, and I think how my life might have been changed if I had had even one hour of CAP.
Rich: I didn't know you were abused.
Jane: Yes. That's what led me to become a therapist and why I've chosen to work with women who are survivors of abuse.
Rich: I know two of your clients and they can't stop talking about how much you matter to them.
Jane: It wasn't easy becoming a therapist. Because of my history, my training was extraordinarily painful but also extraordinarily healing. I'm doing really well now and have a life I love.
Rich: I'm so very glad to hear that.
Jane: CAP touches me deeply. But too deeply to just write a check.
Rich: What do you mean?
Jane: I need to do something more.
Rich: It's not enough, the work you do with your clients?
Jane: No.
Rich: Well, do you want to play with some possibilities?
Jane: What do you mean?
Rich: Just start talking about what thoughts you've been having about doing more and let's see where that takes us.
Jane: Okay, if you've got the time.
Rich: I do. There's no need to rush.
Jane: Well, you know what's most on my mind about CAP?
Rich: What's that?
Jane: Since being in that workshop with Norma, and since reading through the CAP curriculum, I've been teaching nine of my clients prevention strategies.
Rich: What's happened for them?
Jane: Well, it's been remarkable teaching women abused as children the strategies that work for children. It's given them something really important. I can't quite explain it yet, but it's a way of giving them now what they needed then.
Rich: I can see that. What a remarkable thing to do.
Jane: And it gives them a sense of safety in the here and now.
Rich: I get that. Our workshop leaders talk about feeling stronger because of doing this work.
Jane: And then there's something else. The safer they feel, the deeper they go in their therapy work.
Rich: Wow, I love hearing this. What kind of possibilities can you think of?
Jane: I've been having some ideas, but I don't know if this would be okay with you. I was thinking that when I get another few months of experience with this, that I'd like to teach other therapists what I've learned. In fact, I've talked with Belinda, the therapist across the hall from me, and she's started doing this with two clients and she's getting the same results.
Rich: So would you do workshops? How would you see this playing out?
Jane: I don't have a plan, but I'm thinking maybe a series of workshops. I'd have no more than six therapists at a time so we can make sure they really get this and do it right.
Rich: If it's okay to ask, what would it give you personally to do this kind of training?
Jane: Oh, I'm a little shy about answering that, but I want more. I love my work and I love my clients. But it's not enough. I want to make a bigger difference in my profession. I want survivors to have the benefits of this prevention work. That's a given, but I also want to make a place for myself in the wider world of therapy. I guess there's some ego there.
Rich: You know, as you're talking about this, what I feel is not your ego but your heart.
Jane: Well, this does matter to me. And here's what I'd like to do. Would it be too much to ask to partner with CAP? I know you guys are super busy.
Rich: I think it would be great to partner with you. How would it work?
Jane: I'd do the workshops and charge for them and give the money to CAP, and I'd expect that you'd get some new donors from among the therapists I work with.
Rich: Are you sure you want to give the money to CAP? You're going to be doing all the work.
Jane: Thanks for asking, but I'm very sure. That would feel just exactly right. It's a way for me to give back. And...
Rich: And?
Jane: And a way to give myself something that I need, too. It's something I really want to do. I can't believe how shy I'm feeling about that part of it.
Rich: Well, I love it that this plan meets your need to have a bigger presence in your profession, and to make a difference for survivors. It seems like a win for everybody. You're exactly the kind of person we want as a supporter of CAP. I see such a match between who you are and who we are.
Jane: That feels really good to hear. So what's the next step?
Rich: I see what you're doing as an important gift to CAP as well as a really creative extension of our work, so I'd like to make you an official member of our Leadership Circle, which is only open to our major donors.
Jane: You know I'll donate all the money I might raise with this project to CAP, but I don't know how much it would be. Of course, I'll write my own check, but apart from that, there's no telling.
Rich: We'd appreciate whatever money you raise to support our work. But more importantly, what you'd be doing is partnering with CAP and doing leadership work in the community on preventing abuse and dealing with the effects of abuse. You definitely belong in our Leadership Circle if you'd like to be there.
Jane: I would. It would actually mean a lot to me.
Rich: And here's an offer, if you want. I'm thinking of three of our staff right now, bright, creative women, who I think would be personally very interested in this project. Would it help to have a team to strategize with?
Jane: Yes! I'd love it. And I know Belinda would want to join in. Yes, thank you!
Rich: Okay, I'll talk with them today.
When you take the ask deeper into the person's need to make a difference, you have no idea what might happen.
Let's take a look at another possibility for CAP. Again, we've already done the upfront contract.
Rich: What would you like to know about?
Jeff: Truth be told, I don't care about your services. Is that a terrible thing to say to a nonprofit person?
Rich: It's a surprising thing.
Jeff: Here's what I mean. I've given to good organizations in the past, and my wife really likes CAP, but frankly I get bored with the direct services. Nothing against them, they're needed. It's just not what floats my boat.
What I want to know about is that word "training" in your name, the Child Assault Prevention Training Center. What does that mean?
Rich: It means two things. First we're training children in the classroom and second, we organize and train people in projects all over the state.
Jeff: Take me there.
Rich: Well, we wrote the legislation with Maxine Waters, and we lobbied the bill through, and we defend the legislation when other people try to steal our money for other things.
Jeff: That's what I want to hear about. The behind the scenes stuff. My daughter runs a nonprofit in New Jersey and calls me for advice. I hear some pretty incredible stories. I have to laugh sometimes, the difference between the pretty PR patter in her brochure and the reality behind the scenes.
Rich: Oh, well. It's the same here. Especially dealing with the state bureaucracy. Not a pretty picture.
Jeff: Okay, now we're getting to it. I want to know what's killing you right now.
Rich: Wow, I've never been asked that before. But I don't have to think twice about the answer. The state office we get our funding from hates nonprofits.
Jeff: They actually said that?
Rich: In our first meeting with them after the legislation passed, they told us they only liked working with county offices—other bureaucracies— and did not want to work with us. They didn't use the word "hate" but they were on the verge.
Kate and I dread going to Sacramento for these wretched day-long meetings where they work us over pretty good. It's like a forced marriage and it's not getting any better.Jeff: Do you know what I do for a living?
Rich: Well, one of our Board members raves about you and we've read everything we could find about you and we know you're very successful in business. You seem to be at the center of an awful lot of deals.
Jeff: I'm a rainmaker. What I do is work out deals. The more challenging they are the better I like them.
Rich: Wow, could you recommend some things for us to read so we could get better at negotiating with the State Office? Would you be willing to meet with me and Kate for a couple hours and teach us what you think would be the three most important things for us to know in our situation?
Jeff: No, that's boring. Here's what I'm going to offer. I'll come to Sacramento with you for your next meeting. I want to see this for myself.
Rich: !!!
Jeff: What do you think?
Rich: That would be amazing. It would be such a gift. It's exactly what we need. We're really in over our heads. Nothing we've tried has worked. We really need your help. I can't believe you're offering this.
Jeff: How do you think they'll react when I walk in with you?
Rich: It'll blow their minds. They'll be floored.
Jeff: How will that be for you?
Rich: Perfect. We need to shake things up. Surprise is good.
Jeff: Okay. How do we set this up?
Rich: We have a knock-down-drag-out meeting coming up in one month. Let's see if the date fits in with your schedule. What kind of briefing do you need to prepare for this?
Jeff: I want your state contract, every page of it, so I know the parameters. And then a three-hour meeting with you and Kate so I can get a feel for the personalities and the strategies they've been using.
Rich: Done!
Jeff: And I'm writing you a check right now so I can be a member of your Leadership Circle. I want official status with CAP.
Rich: How about if we get our Board to designate you as their official representative along with me and Kate?
Jeff: Yes, that would help set the scene. Okay, here's your check. I'm looking forward to this. This is my kind of fun.
Rich: Now, let me ask you one more thing before we're done.
Jeff: Okay.
Rich: What might Kate and I do that would screw this up for you?
Jeff: That's easy. Not showing up 100%. If you don't, it's over for me. If I'm going to show up, I need you to match me. I don't care if you're slow learners, I don't care if you make mistakes, but what I want to see is try. I want to see commitment.
Rich: Okay. I can promise you that. Kate and I are relentless. We'll do what it takes for CAP to succeed. And if you ever see us not showing up in the way you need, tell us and I can promise you we'll respond.
Jeff: Deal.
Rich: Anything else?
Jeff: No. Here's how I look at it. You're my clients in the negotiations we're going to be doing with the State. So that means I'm not going to run ahead of you, I won't take things in a direction you don't want to go in. I'm working for you.
But at the same time, I'm your mentor. In terms of developing of your negotiation ability, you're following my lead.
Can you handle that kind of complex relationship?
Rich: Yes we can. And thanks for laying it out like that. Now I notice you said negotiations plural.
Jeff: Yes. If this works for you in the first meeting, I'm going to stick with you till you're in the clear. I don't do half a job. I like to win...
Notice in this example, Jeff took the lead in the conversation. He had no hesitation in setting things up so he'd get what he needed out of the deal. And it was clear that what he needed was an exact match for what Kate and I needed. There was nothing sacrificial about this gift.
Let me say a bit more about that question: "What could we do that would screw this up for you?" That might seem like a counterintuitive thing to do. It's something Jim teaches to help take the negotiation deeper. Here's an example of how well it works...
When the Governor cut the funding from our legislation and we knew we we're going to have a tough fight ahead of us, we decided to hire a veteran lobbyist to lead our campaign. We knew exactly who we wanted. Sue was one of the best and she knew children's issues inside and out.
We were going to pay her for her work, but because she was in such demand, we had to convince her to take us as a client.
So Kate and I met with her. We covered all the basics about the political situation we were in and possible strategies. Then it was getting close to decision time, so I said to Sue, "What might we do that would make you sorry you took us on as clients?"
She jumped on that question, "First, I need to have one person to work with. Only one. I hate when I get caught in the middle of infighting with coalitions. That's a waste of my time."
Then she told us #2 and #3. I don't even remember what they were. They weren't important.
Then she said, "And #4, I need to have one person to work with. Only one person I call for decisions and directions."
I said, "Kate is that person. If you work with us, she'll be the only person you have contact with. We want it that way, too. If anyone else from our coalition calls you, get their name, and then you don't have to explain anything, just hang up on them. Then call me and I'll deal with them."
She said, "Okay, let's do this."
And she liked working with us so much that she ended up giving us an extra month for free.
Next we're going to look at an ask where the check comes easily, but I stay to have a conversation because I want to deepen the meaning of the gift for the donor.
Rich: What would you like to know about our work?
Joan: My friend Ellison told me you have more branches than just this one.
Rich: That's right. Only they're not really branches. We started up 45 CAP projects, but they're independent. And then we did legislation with Maxine Waters and now there are 81 prevention projects in the state, not all of them CAP, but all based on the same principles.
Joan: "Did the legislation" means what?
Rich: The works. We wrote it with Maxine. We organized the projects. We lobbied every one of the 120 legislators. We brought kids and families to the hearings. We did press conferences. We met with the Governor's staff. It was a very demanding year, but we loved it.
Joan: Wow, I had no idea. I like hearing this.
Rich: What is it you like?
Joan: Being the founder of my own company, I've had to learn a lot the hard way about leadership, and so I appreciate serious leadership when I see it. I was planning on writing you a check already, but now I'm much more enthusiastic about writing it. In fact, I'm going to double what I was going to give. I really want to be part of this.
Well, through my donation, that is. I would actually love to be part of it, get personally involved. But given how demanding it is to run my business, there's no way I can do that.
Rich: It means a lot to me to know that if you had time, you'd want to get involved.
Joan: I used to be quite the activist in college and I miss it. But there's no time now.
Rich: I understand. But we still have time left in our hour this morning and if you like, I'd be glad to answer any questions about our leadership strategies and I'd love to hear about some of the things you've learned about leadership. Kate and I have also learned a lot of things the hard way, too.
Joan: I'd like that a lot. I'm always hungry to hear the behind the scenes stories and I've got more questions I'd like to ask...
The Decision Conversation
The upfront contract gives you the freedom to have a relational conversation, which means you get to bring to it all your understanding of relationships, not just your collection of fundraising how-tos.
But a real conversation has infinitely more possibilities than a scripted one, and as much as I love exploring possibilities, I can also get lost in them. So I use the following three principles to keep me focused...
Call forth my prospect,
Call forth myself, and
Call the question.
These are not steps to take one after the other. They weave together...
I want my prospect to show up 100%, and
I want me to show up 100%, and
Every moment of the conversation is about getting to a decision.
I'm going to talk about each of these, but in reverse order.
Calling the question
Just because we take the pressure off does not mean we relax into casual bonhomie.
After one of my workshops, a woman told me, "This is great, we don't have to ask anymore! We get to have a friendly conversation and see what happens." Wow. That was so far from what I had said. I took it as a sign of just how much she did not want to ask for money.
She was right in the sense that we're not asking, if you mean by that we're not asking for a yes.
But we are asking, really asking, for a decision. We're not holding back, we're not being timid, because there's a lot at stake on both sides...
We have precious little time to ask people for money. We can't afford to go around having tons of happy conversations where nothing happens. We need to gather in kindred spirits who will write us checks.
If our prospect is someone who takes the world to heart, then she needs to make a difference. Most of our donors don't have money to burn. They want every dollar they give to matter. They want a deep sense of satisfaction when they give. And that means they have to find the right match.
Getting to a real decision is the work of this conversation. It's what we've agreed to do together in the upfront contract.
So taking the pressure off does not mean we get to goof off...
It means we get to go deeper.
And we get to ask bigger.
Our prospect might be our partner in the conversation, but...
We still bring leadership to the ask.
We make sure the focus stays on the decision.
Calling forth myself
How can a prospect make a real decision if she doesn't really know what she's deciding about?
It's up to us to make sure that we bring our work vividly present to the conversation so our prospect can experience it for herself.
Which means I don't want to do some of the things I've done in the past...
I don't want to be the good boy with the frozen smile, trying to please someone into writing a check, as if the lower I bow, the more they might give.
I don't want to walk on egg shells.
I don't want to beg.
I don't want to be the Wizard of Oz, hiding behind the curtain of my how-to's.
I want to be present. I want to be present in my full power. I want my prospect to see the stand I'm taking for my mission. I want her to feel it.
Social change work is super challenging. It gives your prospect confidence if she can feel the strength of your passion and your moxie, if she can see that you're up to the challenge of the work. So show your prospect what you're made of. Submissive asking gives exactly the wrong message.
There was a time when I wanted asking to go as smoothly as possible. I didn't want my prospects to feel a thing—cash extracted painlessly!
Back then I believe in Teflon. Now I believe in Velcro. I want this conversation to be sticky not slick. I want my prospect to feel things. Deeply.
How do I do this? Through...
Channeling.
That may seem like an odd word to use, but what I'm saying is that I want to be so alive with my mission that it speaks through me.
Or we could call this...
Direct transmission.
I want to stand as deeply inside the mission and the work as I can. I want my prospect to meet me in there and make her decision in there. In the real place. In the heart of it.
Which means I want to speak from inside my mission, not from outside it. Whenever I'm trying to "sell" my mission, I'm actually taking a step back and way. I start listing features and benefits. I start talking about how good this work is, rather than talking about how much I love it and believe in it.
If I'm selling, I'm sitting in judgment. Positive judgment, but still judgment. Which encourages my prospect to take a step back, too, and make judgments, evaluating the work in terms of good and bad.
I believe that a key part of my job in a relational ask is to hold depth so my prospect will feel permission and invitation to go deep, too, if she so chooses.
This means that when I tell stories about the work of my nonprofit to my prospects, I'm not trying to wring their hearts so I can wring their wallets.
I want to honor the stories by telling them just as they are. I want to bring them alive with character and detail—in service of my prospect being able to make a decision. But I want the stories to be genuine.
The melodrama of marketing is not a match for the natural drama a mission. How can a prospect make a real decision if we don't give them the real stories?
What if you're working with volunteer fundraisers and you want to help them hold depth when talking with prospects? Here's an exercise you can try.
I find that when I'm paying attention to staying with the real depth of the mission, that prevents me from slipping into what I call...
The goods and the shoulds.
There are lots of good reasons why someone should support your nonprofit. But the point of a deep ask is to talk with our prospect directly about her need to make a difference.
It's not that the good reasons aren't good, but if we use them as shoulds, if we use them to argue a case, then maybe the goodness gets diminished.
And personally, I find that presenting the goods and the shoulds holds me in check. Makes me feel constricted. Subdues my passion...
And then I do a half-ask.
I'd much rather see if I can ignite some donation chemistry.
Calling forth my prospect
How do I invite my prospect to explore yeses, if she's willing to do that with me? Here are some tips:
1. Ask for her questions instead of giving her my presentation
Perhaps you noticed in the dialogues I used to illustrate the upfront contract, that once my prospect said she could tell me what's true for her, then it was easy and natural to ask her, "So what would you like to know? Where would you like to start?"
This is a direct invitation for her to co-lead the conversation.
Now, I have to say, I used to love talking about CAP. I could do it for hours. Still could. Over time I developed riffs and success stories that I wove into an effective presentation. And there is a time and place for presentations.
But with a kindred spirit...
I want to talk with her, not at her.
If possible, I want her to talk more than me.
I want her to be able to listen to herself.
I want her to be in discovery mode. I don't want her to be a passive consumer of information.
I have to admit that there were times in the past when I was so buried in work that I didn't feel seen enough or heard enough, and I would take the opportunity of presenting CAP to a prospect to "show off" and earn approval.
Yuck. Yuck for them and yuck for me, too, because that didn't get me the kind of connection I wanted.
I also remember thinking that if I did a dynamite presentation I'd be able to stay in control and keep the conversation constrained inside the "Yes Corral." It seemed too risky to go exploring out on the open trail. But it turns out that's where a lot of the good stuff is.
And it's actually less risky, because staying strictly within the Yes Corral risks the relationship.
Now, what if my prospect tells me she doesn't know what she wants to know? Then I can give her a menu:
What matters to you most...
The work we do with the kids?
The training we do with the parents?
How we partner with the teachers?
What our budget is?
How we train our staff?
How we've helped start projects all over California?
And if she still doesn't know where to start, no problem. I can start with what I think is the key thing, the children's workshops. But then as I go, I'll weave in questions to give my prospect another opportunity to step into conversation with me.
What else can I tell you about the children's workshops?
What would you like to know about how children take what they learn in the classroom and use it when they are in dangerous situations?
What would you like to hear about next?
But what I find is that when you give people the freedom to say no, you're also giving them the freedom to get curious. And usually they do get curious and usually they do have lots of questions.
2. Ask deepening questions as she opens to them.
Think about how you are with someone you care about when you're helping her make a decision about something important...
You stay right with her.
You listen to her.
You notice her listening to herself.
You keep thinking, "What does she need in this moment?" And then in the next moment. And the next.
You're her ally, but it's her journey. You're supporting her, but she's making her own decision.
One way to support your prospect is to ask her questions that help her check out her relationship to your mission...
What is it about our work that matters to you?
What's most important? Least important?
What red flags are you seeing?
What questions do you need to get answered?
Do you need to come see the work for yourself?
If you were going to get personally involved in the work, what might that look like?
Where does our nonprofit stand in terms of your priorities for giving?
What's most important to you when you give?
What else do you need so you can make a solid decision for yourself?
Of course there are many other questions you might or might not ask depending on the person you're talking with.
And it's great to be able to approach every ask with beginner's mind, making no assumptions about the person or what her answers might be. That's one way to let her know that you're her advocate.
3. Follow safety with challenge
There's challenge for our prospect in a deep ask:
She's exploring possibilities and she doesn't know where she'll end up.
She's going to make a definite decision. It could be yes, it could be no. It could be deciding what her next step in her decision making process is going to be. But this conversation is not going to end with a maybe.
She can't give to every nonprofit she might want to support, so saying yes to one group is saying no to another.
Depending on the issue, there might be personal pain involved in the conversation, like remembering her own childhood abuse or being scared about what could happen to her own children.
If she makes a donation, she'll be taking a stand for social change work in the face of all the people who oppose this work.
She's talking personally with someone she might not know all that well, or even someone who's a total stranger.
What makes it okay to get personal? One of the most important things my teacher, Laura Whitworth, taught me in my coaching training is...
The more safety a person feels, the deeper the challenge they are able to take on.
So if you take a stand for your prospect making her own decision, if she can feel moment by moment that you are her advocate, then it's possible, not guaranteed, but possible for her to open personally.
A development director once told me that it takes two years to build a relationship with a major donor, and maybe for some people that's true, but I can't imagine how a nonprofit can survive at that rate.
What I find is that with kindred spirits, not with all, but with some, a relationship can be ignited in an hour, sometimes much less. At least enough so you can do a relational ask.
When people feel seen and heard, that creates relationship.
When you give someone permission to say no and they take it, that creates relationship.
When you find there's a match between what you need and what they need, that creates relationship.
Certainly, the relationship can become stronger and richer over the years. It's not that time doesn't matter. It's that the right connection can quickly open the door to an ask.
4. Focus on leadership at least as much as service units.
In mainstream fundraising, we often talk about service units, how many you do and what they cost per unit. For example:
Our workshops cost $10 per child, and your ten dollars might save her life or get her the help she needs to stop abuse.
This year with your help, we'll reach 40,000 children with prevention training.
Of course, it's essential that we talk about our services and provide our numbers. But with social change work there's a more important dimension of our work and that is leadership.
Our goal is to change the way society works so there won't be such an overwhelming need for our service units. And that means leading as well as serving.
But it's not so easy to turn leadership into numbers. I don't see the nonprofit rating websites capturing the power of leadership in their sometimes simplistic advice to donors.
So I want to urge social change activists to highlight the leadership work you do. All of it. Find ways to turn it into stories. See if there are in fact any numbers you can put to it. Invite donors to come see your leadership in action and experience for themselves.
And I urge you to talk about what makes your work strategic. Why you believe your work is designed to make significant changes in society instead of maintaining the status quo. Why you believe it's a priority.
Be explicit about how, through their gifts, your donors are actually providing leadership...
Social proofing
Our donors give us credibility. They lead others to give. Humans, being social animals, pay attention to who's supporting whom. Some people like the adventure of being the first one in. Many though, will feel better about giving if others they respect are already giving.Taking a stand with us.
For social change organizations, our donors give us protection. Through their donations they are saying if you mess with this nonprofit, you're messing with us. The more people you have as your constituents, and the more serious they are about standing with you, the harder it is for people to ignore you and the harder it is for people to bully you. That doesn't mean they won't try, but it's harder.Spirit
I remember going to meetings at the state office that administered our funding. The top staff there were opposed to our core beliefs about empowering children, so those meetings were rough and ugly.I remember times in the middle of the pummeling, that I'd pause for a moment and think about all the people who contributed to us. I'd see their faces lit up because of how much they loved CAP, and that quick time out would give me my spirit back.
I know that might sound corny to some people, but for me it was real. The people who cared enough that they wrote checks, who made what was for them a significant donation, the people who were committed that deeply, I could feel them standing with us.
Here's something that's true for me that might or might not be true for you. I found it so much easier to talk with donors about units of service than about the power of leadership.
I felt the units of service to be outside myself. But leadership was so personal. It was about me, about Kate, about the people who were part of leading our movement. It seemed like bragging to talk about us. I felt we should be modest about ourselves.
And yet leadership is the core of social change work. We are trying to lead our communities, our nations, the world to a better place. This matters to social change donors. So let's find ways to talk about our leadership.
I have a personal bias toward supporting leaders first and work second. You can see that everywhere on this site. If I'm thinking about writing a check for an organization, the first thing I want to know is about the leaders, who are they, how do they rally people, how do they inspire people.
I'm not looking for superstars. I'm looking for real people with all their human messiness who are discovering what it means to lead and are getting better at it every year.
I believe that as a nation we are in desperate need of genuine leadership. Lots and lots of it. I believe the most important thing for our social change movements to do is to develop current and future leaders from the grassroots on up. To build strong teams of people who can work well together over the long haul. To develop communities that are alive with the spirit and practice of leadership.
How many times have you heard a nonprofit say, "Our ultimate goal is to put ourselves out of business"? In terms of providing services I can understand that.
But human nature being what it is, I don't see that there will ever be an end to the need for leaders who stand for compassion and cooperation and for us being one human family all in this together instead of remaining broken into adversarial groups so ready to fight each other.
We're asking our kindred spirit donors to be vulnerable with us. And I want to match them. I want to meet them there. Not vulnerable in the sense of being weak and victimized, but vulnerable in the sense of having the moxie to be open and present.
Again, I want to be clear that I'm talking about a kind of asking that is relationship work. So that means that nothing I've written on this page trumps your relationship smarts and intuition. When you are in a conversation with a prospect, it matters that you're always reading the relationship waters and responding in the moment.
Please don't turn anything I've said here into a should.
This kind of asking is about making an authentic personal connection in the context of which it's okay to do a really assertive ask.
We're coming now to to the end of this page. When I started writing it, I had no idea it would be this long. And still there's lots more to say about advocacy asks because this is such rich and complex territory. But let me conclude for now with this...
What if you asked from the deepest place in your heart?
And what if your prospect responded from the deepest place in her heart?
What would that give you?
Dessert!
I promised dessert at the end and you can get to it by following this link: The Discovery Interview. Whenever you're feeling jammed or jabolixxed, this is a great alternative to asking. It's a fun thing to do in it's own right.
What's next?
You might want to click on Asking kindred spirits to support you. It's a companion piece to this page. You'll see the key themes repeated there, though in a slightly different way. I'm someone who needs to hear things more than once and from different angles, so I had no problem writing two separate pages about asking into the need to make a difference.
If you're looking for professional fundraising advice and systems here are two places you might want to check out:
Benevon
This is a very popular four-step system which for a lot of organizations has made the difference between success and failure. They have an excellent 17-minute video on their website that takes you through their approach.GIFT - Grassroots Institute for Fundraising Training
This is an organization that has a special talent for doing the most challenging kind of fundraising:"The Grassroots Institute for Fundraising Training (GIFT) is a multiracial organization that promotes the connection between fundraising, social justice, and movement building.
"We believe that how groups are funded is as important to achieving their goals as how the money is spent, and that building community support is central to long-term social change.
"We provide analysis, training, and resources to strengthen organizations, with an emphasis on those focused on social justice and based in communities of color."
The Grassroots Fundraising Journal
Co-founded by Kim Klein and Lisa Honig, this is a great source for practical fundraising strategies and state-of-the-art thinking.Chardon Press
Key books on social change fundraising.Association of Fundraising Professionals
This is the major national association of nonprofit fundraising professionals. You can check at this site to find local chapters.
Thank You!
This page is based first and foremost on Jim Camp's system of negotiation. Plus Marshall Rosenberg's perspective on asking into the need to contribute. More about both Jim and Marshall on my Acknowledgments page.
© 2008 Rich Snowdon
