Soaring
Soaring is the most rewarding kind of leadership—and the most challenging.
So forget ten easy steps. This is a different world. Much more complex...
As complex as you are,
and then some.
Because soaring keeps moving up the challenge as you become more and more capable.
Soaring is...
The most personal kind of leadership.
You reach deeper and put more of yourself into it. But that means it's also...
The most vulnerable kind of leadership.
And when you let yourself be vulnerable, you're taking a risk. And when you're leading social change, the risk can be serious.
So I want to give you a caution and it's this:
The more you go soaring,
The more serious you need to be about taking care of yourself.
As I said on the home page, soaring asks a lot you, but then...
It gives you back way more than what it asks.
As you read, please take what I say here and make it your own. This is the most personal of the three operating systems and the more personal it is to you the better it will work for you.
Okay, now what do I mean when I use that word "soaring'"? I mean what musicians or athletes are referring to when they talk about being...
"In the flow,"
"In the zone," or
"Playing out of my mind."
Time stops, the background recedes, your inner critic stills, and there is only this one thing in front of you, this sweet, compelling challenge, which, because you care about it so much, lets you in on its secret and yields itself to you.
Soaring is one of the very best things life has to give us. Even witnessing it in someone else can be thrilling...
You're watching a basketball star as he snakes his way through his opponents, twists front to back like a dolphin as he leaps and slams the ball through the net with his own signature finesse, and it looks so graceful you can't imagine it takes any effort at all.
Your favorite singer sits down at the piano and sinks so deep into her music that she's no longer performing. She's gone lost inside. You never want this moment to end.
From the outside flow looks easy. From the inside, while it's happening, that's also true, the experience is one of ease.
When a peak experience ignites, you're not struggling, you're not working at it, you feel light, free, uplifted, because...
You're playing.
Getting there, though, is anything but easy. Soaring is not a walk in the park...
It takes the total engagement of your mind, body, spirit, heart—all of you.
It's usually described with superlatives—at my best, at the top of my game—or with adjectives that reach for the skies—unparalleled, unrivaled, ultimate.
But sometimes I think such characterizations are trying a bit too hard to say something that maybe can't be said, because, of the operating systems, soaring is the one that's hardest to put into words.
So on this page, rather than trying to capture it and pin it down, I'd rather let soaring go free and simply do what I can...
To make it accessible,
So you can have your own relationship with it.
And let's begin by bringing soaring back down to earth.
Soaring may feel like magic, but...
It's not magic.
You don't have to have special powers to get to it.
The word itself can be misleading. I've cudgeled my thesaurus trying to come up with a better name.
Some people think "soaring" is too airy or too cute. When I'm working with a Board that I think will grimace and groan if I use that word, I plug in a substitute.
I'll put sustaining and soaring together and call them the premier operating system, then call sacrifice the conventional operating system.
Still when I'm talking with myself, I use "soaring," even though I'm never quite satisfied with it. You, of course, get to to pick whatever name you like for it. Or pick three or four different names you can use on different days when you're in different moods. But meanwhile there are two reasons why I'm sticking with what I've got.
The first, the minor one, is that "soaring" is not only the best name I've found so far, but it starts with the letter "s," so it alliterates with source, spirit, sustaining, sacrifice, savior, and soul, all key terms for me. And that just seemed too good to pass up.
But the second reason is the one that matters. Whenever I'm right there with an ED in a peak moment and I look into her eyes, what I see is this...
Buoyancy,
Delight,
Surprise.
In short, soaring.
So you can see there's something essential in this word that I don't want to lose.
But remember that none of the operating systems can be summed up with a single name. There's too much to each of them.
For example, "soaring" implies reaching the heights, yet for some people the opposite is true. In a peak moment they feel...
Deep contentment.
That's how it is for me these days. Less excitement, more serenity.
Sometimes I put the two dimensions together by saying...
Soaring is the highest incarnation of what's deepest in your heart.
Here's Emma's story of soaring, but Emma is Emma, imagine what's possible for you and how different it might be...
Rich: When did this begin?
Emma: I can tell you exactly. It was April 1st, three years ago when I made my big decision.
Rich: April Fool's Day!?
Emma: Yes. My partner played one sweet, happy trick on me at home, and trhe spirit of mischief was still in me when I got to the office. When I stepped in through the door my stomach turned. It was like an allergic reaction: I can't take this anymore. Not one more day of personality battles, bd attitudes, and lackluster performance. I'm either going to fix this or quit leding.
Rich: Radical.
Emma: That's the word for it. Radical, sweet, loving mischief, except it was so very serious. I really was ready to quit if I couldn't make things better.
Rich: So then...
Emma: So then I started the long slog of achieving mastery, a good slog, but definitely long. But I had made a commitment to myself that I would not go back on, so I stuck with it. I did a makeover of every aspect of our organization and of my leadership. It's funny, paradoxical maybe, I went step by step, but I could feel the arc of the big leap those steps added up to.
Rich: What are some examples?
Emma: I turned over exactly 50% of the staff.
Rich: Stunning.
Emma: But such the right thing to do. The most important thing. When I did the finally firing and suddenly had the right people in every position, then everything else got much, much easier. It's such a differnt thing to go for soaring when everyone is committed to going there with you.
Rich: Congraulations, it sounds like a gutsy thing to do.
Emma: It was but it wasn't, because my commitment to myself was bigger than the challenge.
Rich: What's the difference been?
Emma: Stellar performance AND my staff are always stopping me in the hall saying, "I love my job!" I've heard that so mnay times, but it makes my heart sing every single time. It never gets old for me.
Rich: And the staff...
Emma: Are such a team. Yesterday, Eva and Edie started riffing, calling us the Zero, meaning we have zero tolerance for relational aggression. I don't have to enforce it, the team does, our culture does that work for us. And if I ever started in doing things like trashy gossip, the staff would fire me! No one can be here if they are not part of mission discipline.
And this commitment to each other is what gives us a deep sense of trust that no amount of talking about trust could give us.
Rich: I'm loving this, tell me more.
Emma: Last Friday, my deputy director, Esther, told me she had been offered another job at $10,000 more than I can pay her, but she turned it down. I blurted out, "Why did you do that?" Then I recoered my wits and said, "I really, really don't want you to leave, but why?"
She said, "It's very nice people over there, but they grind through their days the hard way. Here, we keep charging ahead. I couldn't begin to learn over there what I'm learning here. And I can't imagine unplugging from our team, I really can't. I've never been a part of anything like this."
Rich: So those years of work to achieve mastery...
Emma: They are all redeemed in just one moment like that. You know, I used to dread evaluations. They were battles, me demanding an end to bad behavior, and the staff person sitting there smug, knowing that I couldn't make her change. But now I love evaluations, because they are celebrations.
Rich: What about other than staff? What's another example of soaring?
Emma: Fundraising. I sued to beg funders for money. Then I got myself into a much better mindset. I thought of myself as their colleague and negotiated with them as an equal. Then came the surprise. One day, five funders invited me in to their strategy session to help them figure out what was next for my field. So there I was offering leadership to them. That's about as far from begging as you can get.
Three times now one of those funders, when launching a new initiative, has called me first, before releasing an RFP, to see if my team could take it on, giving us the right of first refusal.
RIch: What about major donors? Are things diffrent with them, too?
Emma: Oh, yes, I was meeting with Eduardo last month, he's one of our regulars. He increased his donation again, by a lot. I want to know why, so I said, "We're so grateful for your support, and we're so curious why you're increasing your gift every year."
He said, Starting three years ago your work keeps getting better. And I want to support that, not just the work, but the continual improvement. But even more I want to support you. I believe in you as a leader. So I guess I could say, the more fun I see you have leading, the more fun I have giving."
I'm shy about saying this, but I knew exactly what he means. I used to be desperate and downcast when I asked. But now I don't care if someone tells me no, I really don't becasue we've got so many loyal donors we can count on.
My spirit is so strong why wouldn't you love to give to someone like the someone I've become.
Rich: Listening to all of this it's sounds like Nirvana.
Emma: Oh, no, don't even say that. That's not what this is about. First, this is not some Polyanna kind of thing, this is real. And second, were still us, were' still human, we still each have our stuff to deal with, but we also have such a very safe place to deal with it. And third, Nirvana is like an end of the journey.
Every day we're still beginning, at a higher level, but beginning. That's what keeps our work fresh. And us. And there's no end to this kind of beginning.
Soaring gives you extraordinary outcomes, and...
It gives you an extraordinary experience of yourself.
And it might sound like this...
I love being in it and when I'm in it I love being me.
Which is why more than anything, I believe that soaring is a matter of love. Soaring focuses you totally on what matters most in the moment, so there's simply no room for self-criticism, judgment, or shame to enter in. And it's a remarkable thing to experience yourself like that, pure.
Rumi, the 13th-century Persian poet and Sufi mystic, said...
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."
Soaring means you get to meet yourself there.
You can't make it happen, except you can
To most people soaring means peak moments and the tricky thing about peak moments is...
You can't command them.
Will power won't produce them.
They come as a gift.
Does this mean we have to sit on our hands and feel helpless while we wait for them to decide to show up? No. Because...
Those moments come from a system, a generative system of days, weeks, months, and years.
A system which is a pleasure in and of itself and which produces natural highs just because it does.
Soaring is a lot like intuition. Try to grasp it to control it and you kill it.
But you can...
Invite it.
You can...
Whisper sweet somethings in its ear.
You can...
Make Yourself so ready for it that it wants to come to you.
If you want peak moments, don't focus on them. Instead, master the system that generates them.
Leadership is a special case
If you're a pianist, it's hard enough to achieve peak performance, but at least the keys all show up for work every day. And your C key doesn't get jealous of the B-flat. And your F-sharp doesn't decide to instigate trouble all up and down the keyboard. And if the keys get out of tune, you bring in a tuner and within an hour harmony returns.
But human beings are different. Yes, we're wonderful in so many ways. There's nothing like us—when we're giving you our best. Or when we inspire each other and gel as a team and the whole becomes much more than the sum of the parts.
But...
We're also moody and changeable and complicated and temperamental.
And...
Sometimes we come with blind spots or unfinished childhood business or current life crises.
So there's nothing easy about managing us. Which means the odds that you'll get to go soaring as a leader are not good.
Now throw in the challenge of social change and the odds really go against you. Because not only are you managing complex human beings in complex teams, but you're doing that in the most difficult territory there is to work in, because...
Social change means changing in fundamental ways how power works so it stops mass producing suffering and stops killing the planet.
It means we go into the worst of being human to bring out the best.
And because the odds are daunting, it matters that you not just take a random leap at soaring, but that you build a support team around yourself and that you put a leadership system in place which can guide you and keep you strong.
And though the odds are daunting, there are, in fact, many leaders who do go soaring. And they are not super human. They were not born with special genes.
They are ordinary people who have learned how to do something extraordinary.
And when you break through the odds you get to discover for yourself that...
Playing at the top of your game down in the very heart of social change...
Is just about...
The most soaring kind of soaring thing there is.
Generative principles
Do you remember Tolstoy's famous opening for Anna Karenina?
"All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
That's a great first line for a novel, but I find when it comes to the happiest nonprofits with the happiest leaders, the reverse is true.
I've seen lots of unhappy organizations over the years, rife with acting out and personality battles, and it always strikes me that I'm seeing exactly the same kind of suffering over and over. So much drama, yet so helplessly clichéd and boring.
With soaring leaders, though, there's surprise after surprise.
That's because soaring is the most personal of the three operating systems, so it comes in as many different flavors as there are people who go soaring...
Out of common principles they generate original stories.
The analogy for me is going to the movies. I love romantic comedies. I've seen a zillion of them, but I'm always eager to see more—as long as the characters are fresh and personal. If a film executes the classic structure of romance in a mechanical way, then it falls flat for me. It even makes me mad because I'm so disappointed.
By contrast, if the lead characters really are characters in their own right, if they find their own idiosyncratic way into love—that I want to see as many times as you can show it to me, because those stories enrich my understanding of human relationships, and because I simply enjoy watching two compelling people caught up in surprising adventures, giving everything they've got to try to make love work.
You can't go soaring by following a routine list of how-tos. It's just not that kind of thing.
There are plenty of how-tos that are helpful but what makes the difference are the core principles. When you master those, when you put them into practice in your own way, in accord with your personality, talents, strengths, and calling, that's when you're ready to take the leap into soaring.
And then your leadership story will be...
Alive with you.
The power of personal presence
Think about the typical nonprofit leader with an infinite to-do list: Busy, busy, busy, giving, giving, giving.
When you're in soaring mode, though, it's different. You're no longer...
Just the giver of gifts.
Now...
You are the gift.
It's not that you'll stop doing things, but you get to focus in and slow the pace because...
Your presence now makes a bigger difference than the tasks you carry out.
What's that like?
I can't even say why Chloe inspires me so much, but I know that when I'm around her, I make a special effort to be at my best. Like when she's listening to me, I reach deeper, I say more, I'm smarter.
Whenever Judith walks in she lights up the room. Suddenly conversations are filled with smiles and sunshine.
We had a crisis at the shelter so our team met to make a response plan. But we were jangled and distressed. We were stepping on each other's sentences, feelings got hurt, tempers were on the edge. Then Jillian came in and sat down, off to the side, just listening, but her presence was like the "Moonlight Sonata" playing in the background. Within three minutes we were calm, coherent, and doing first class problem solving.
When Craig chairs our meetings, it doesn't seem like he's doing anything special, he just goes through the agenda, but somehow we meld into his sense of focus so five times as much work gets done. And we have five times as much fun.
Jimmie is a former client who's now a case manager. Whenever the management team works on strategy, we ask him to join us. He knows nothing about strategic planning per se, but in his quiet way he keeps us on track. When we get too fancy or too far afield, he gathers us in. He's got the mission so deep in his bones that when he's present there's no chance of drift. I think of him as the soul of our organization.
And, if you'd like, here are four longer stories about presence in action.
Fact is, it's humans who lead humans, so the more human you are, the more authentic, the better. Playing it safe, keeping your distance, leading by the book, or holding yourself in check, those things mean that the best part of you is not engaged and not available to the people around you.
Soaring leadership is rich with...
Personal chemistry.
The sacrificial operating system says...
It's all about the work. It shouldn't ever be about you. You should be modest. If you're the leader you should be invisible.
But mission isn't an abstract quality out there floating around in the ether. Our missions live in our hearts. That's where they find their sustenance.
Soaring leadership means...
Letting ourselves be seen for what's deepest in our hearts.
And when we let ourselves be seen like that...
We're taking a public stand. We're saying to everyone who witnesses us in action, "I believe in this mission, so much so that I'm putting my life here."
When we let our light shine, kindred spirits can find us and come join us. And through us our staff get to see the mission as a living force, instead of words on a document in a drawer.
It's true that ideas and causes and slogans inspire people, but people inspire people even more.
The power of vulnerability
What does vulnerable mean? Check with the dictionary or listen to common usage and it means:
Defenseless, prone to getting hurt, open to attack, exposed, unprotected, unguarded, weak, woundable.
Would you ever want to lead from those places?
But then what about the opposite? Invulnerable. It means...
Impregnable, untouchable, up-armored, unfeeling.
What a choice. You've got either...
Vulnerable, which is victimy, or
Invulnerable, which is cold and distant.
So what to do?
How about a bit of alchemy? Let's take vulnerability, turn it into an adjective, and infuse it into something that might seem to be its opposite, to get...
Vulnerable strength.
On my page about sustainability, I talk about the two definitions of 'discipline.' It can mean...
Punishment, or
A way to master something you care about.
Same word, very different meanings. Similarly, there's the victim version of vulnerability and then there's the soaring version.
The soaring kind means...
Finding the sweet spot in vulnerability which makes you stronger.
Complications and dangers
Now let's go a little deeper into the challenges soaring presents us in order to keep this discussion grounded in the real world of social change leadership.
Unexpected feelings
As great as soaring is, still I want to caution you, never underestimate what might come up for you when you get there, because while you might feel more alive than ever...
You might feel everything more than ever.
Soaring has that kind of effect. Done right, it doesn't make you blissed-out and happy-faced...
It makes you more present and real and committed.
For example...
These days when someone criticizes me, the criticism cuts deeper. They're not just criticizing something I did or a role I'm playing. My leadership is now so much more about me that the criticism is more about me, too.
Or...
Tomorrow, I'm going to have a very forthright conversation with my new program director. She's brilliant with the work, but sometimes she completely misses the pitch with her staff. Wow can she be off. And then sometimes she gets it just right, so I'm hopeful. But I want to deal with this now, I don't want to let it drift, because I want her to succeed. I want her to be able to go soaring if she wants to.
I don't know her all that well yet, and we're just starting to develop our working relationship, so I don't know how she's going to react.
This kind of conversation is something I've gotten very good at, but still it's risky. She might not be willing to hear what I have to say.
And if she falls apart behind it, then what soaring means to me is that I don't pull back or walk away, saying, "Too bad that didn't work." If I step into a serious conversation with her, then I'm going to stick with her. I'm going to do the relationship work. Take the journey with her through whatever feelings come up.
If the conversation stumbles and falls, it would be so easy to be the distant manager I used to be and write her off, bail out on her. Which means I'd be bailing out on myself, too. And I won't do that to either of us.
The pain of the past
Some people get to soaring and never look back. Some, like me, do look back. Get sucked there. For us getting to soaring opens us up to the past...
When I was a sacrificial leader, I had to keep the lid on my feelings, because if I had really let myself feel what I was doing to myself, I couldn't have done it. But now that I'm solidly over here in the soaring zone, I don't need that lid anymore. Now I'm free to feel anything. And up they come, all those old feelings like they're a brand new experience for me. Which they are.
And what's coming up most is sorrow. From all those years of making myself do leadership the hard way. All those years of hurting myself. I wasted so much time. I so wish I had known then what I know now. That's such a trite thing to say and my friend Robin keeps reminding me that I had to take the journey I had to take and now I'm here and it's time to be happy. And I know she's right, but still, I wish, I wish.
Or...
In the midst of celebrating my new way of leading and how good it is for me, I suddenly realized that I'm also in mourning. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad those years are behind me, but I'm so sad about how bad they were for me.
Making a commitment—to yourself
It might shake you up when you find yourself...
Falling in love with soaring.
Because once you experience it, you might not ever want to give it up. And it asks a lot of you.
Danger
When you let yourself be seen by the world openly, vulnerably, all kinds of people will see you, and they might not all be sympathetic and supportive. Some might be dead set against what they see.
Opposition might come from inside your movement...
When I really started to take off, it was so fun, because I suddenly found myself in the middle of serious conversations with all the key decision makers. I was honored and accepted and making a bigger difference than ever.
Before long, though, a handful of people in my movement started taking shots at me, badmouthing me, poisoning the atmosphere. I was dumbfounded.
Then my deputy director said, "They're jealous. And they've got it bad. You're moving ahead of them so quickly, but they have no idea how to keep up with you. Too bad they don't ask you to mentor them instead of turning on you."
And opposition might come from outside your movement...
Here's the kicker. My adversaries saw me step into my new power well before my allies saw it. And that makes sense, because those folks on the other side are hypervigilant. They really don't want the kind of change we're pushing for. They keep doing everything they can to shut us down.
And then here's me showing up as a much bigger blip on their radar screen. But even though it still shakes me up every time they target me personally, I've got to say I also find it affirming.
Principles and practices
For the rest of this page, I'm going to keep on giving you my favorite principles and practices that you can weave together in your own way to create your own version of soaring.
What' I'm offering here is by no means comprehensive. There's so much more to this operating system than I could cover in a single page. And luckily I don't have to because every other page on this site is also dedicated to helping leaders get sustainable and go soaring.
But even with everything I've written down, please remember, just as one picture is worth a thousand words, one experience of soaring is worth a million words. And much more than writing about soaring, I love talking directly with a leader about her own experience of it. That's when the discussion of soaring really ignites and takes off...
When it gets personal like that.
Remember, too, we're in wide open territory here. There's so much more for us to discover. Especially when it comes to soaring in the world of social change. And that means when you do achieve this level of leadership, you're an explorer, an innovator, an inspiration, and if you like...
You can then mentor others who are coming along behind you.
Good scary
Soaring is...
Scary and exhilarating at the same time.
Let's take a look at the scary part.
When you initially cross over into soaring, it's an unknown, and that might throw you...
Gina: I thought I was soaring, but I'm feeling scared so I can't be, right?
Rich: That depends. Is the scary part shutting you down?
Gina: No.
Rich: Is it more than you can handle?
Gina: Actually it's not. I'm still trucking.
Rich: Is it a soupçon of scary?
Gina: No, more than that.
Rich: A good dose?
Gina: Yes, a dose, a good one. I see, not a bad dose. It's not hurting me. So what's it doing here?
Rich: Is it pepping you up?
Gina: It's got me out on my edge.
Rich: Not scattered, not distressed?
Gina: Not at all.
Rich: Are the scary feelings taking anything away from you?
Gina: I can't think of anything.
Rich: Are they giving you anything?
Gina: They're making me pay attention and stay focused.
Rich: So could we say they're helping to keep you in soaring mode?
Gina: Well, yes we could.
Rich: What if we call this helpful scary instead of harmful scary?
Gina: That sounds about right. Oh, I like this. Thanks. Bye.
Soaring is scary because...
You're being yourself without a net.
And it's exhilarating because...
You're being yourself without a net.
When you put yourself out there in the world, especially in the difficult territory of social change, you are definitely taking a risk—with your self.
And there's more. It seems to me that...
It's an act of great love to take leadership on an issue that's close to your heart, because that means you're also taking on serious risk. You could fail. You're only human. And you can't control outcomes. There's no guarantee of success. Not in a game as tough as social change.
And if you do fail where there's so much at stake for you that it can really hurt.
So how do we make the scary part of soaring work for us?
I remember when I was doing my child abuse prevention work, I went on TV a number of times to promote our work.
Sitting there looking at the camera, with that red light burning, knowing that a million people were watching me, was freaky.
What if I said something stupid? Which I was quite capable of doing. Or what if I didn't get our message across? What if I failed? It wouldn't be in the tiny venue of a few people back at the office, it would be in front of the whole world.
Then there was the fact that I was there to teach people about saving kids lives. And how could I live with myself if I failed at that? Or what if the performance I turned in was so bad that no TV station would ever invite any of us back on again?
Even back then when I knew so little about soaring, I knew enough to know this was the wrong kind of scary. It wasn't helping...
I needed to find a new kind of scary.
I hate performing, but I love giving people what they need. So this is where I put my attention.
I could still fail at meeting needs, too, but at least here I was in my element. It focused me whereas performing unnerved me. So I stopped looking at the camera and looked instead into the faces of the people in the studio audience and made a connection with them one by one as I talked and answered questions, concentrating on what I could give them that they might need.
And when there wasn't a studio audience, I had to do something else. So I looked at the camera, then into the lens, and then through it. I imagined just one mom sitting at home in front of me needing to hear what I had to say so she could keep her kids safe. And seeing her there I dearly wanted to give her my best, and did.
By contrast, I remember a presentation I did one night for a group of 60 people. This was a slide show on male violence, two hours with 250 slides. Intense. Usually some people would be in tears by the end. So my heart was usually in my throat.
When I got up in front of this particular audience, though, there were no butterflies in my stomach. Not a ripple of fear. I was so pleased with myself that I could be so cool with such dark material.
Afterward my buddy Chris said to me, "Nice presentation, too bad you weren't here for it."
That's when I understood that fear could be my friend. I needed it in the mix to be at my best. So then whenever the camera panned to me in the TV studio or I began a presentation in front of even a tiny audience, my intent, my hope, was to keep that just-right kind of fear with me all the way.
Now, how do you know what's the right touch of scary and what's too much? Where do you look to find the kind of scary that, instead of throwing cold water on your exhilaration, spices it up?
The place to look is...
In the gap.
What gap? That's next.
Challenge-Skills Balance
Want to take the mystery out of flow? Zero in on the challenge-skills balance.
If you don't have enough challenge...
Your life goes to sleep on you.
If you have too much challenge...
You get overwhelmed and then shut down.
So what you want is a challenge that's...
Just right.
Just right for what? For your skill level. But what does 'just right' really mean? It doesn't mean you stay with what's comfortable. You push beyond the boundaries of your past success. You take one step forward—one serious step. And there's risk in doing that. Which is what makes flow exhilarating. And scary. And it's what makes you feel so alive.
When people who study flow talk about the challenge-skills balance, they mean something more complex than an easy equilibrium, because in this place...
Your skills are a little off balance with the challenge.
The challenge is running a bit ahead of your skills. There's the gap. And it's in this gap that you find what's called 'the zone.'
The art of this off-balance balance is something to master if you want to have peak moments. And it's something you can master. You can't take direct control over peak moments, but this CS balance is different. You can take control with it because it's part of the soaring system, the system of readiness.
So, for example, as your skills move up you can make the conscious choice to move your challenges up, too.
Of course, you might be thinking...
I don't have a choice about challenges. They just keep coming at me fast and furious.
One of the blessings of the sustainable operating system is it helps you take control over your work so you won't be so much at the mercy of external events. But still, even the most masterful leader can get hit by a surprise challenge that feels way too big.
So then the rule of thumb is go get help. Which is a leader-like thing to do. You put together a team that does have the capacity to handle the challenge. Which thus shifts the CS balance to just the right place and puts you back in the zone.
Now having preached this uplifting gospel of peak experiences, let me take a moment to blaspheme.
You don't always have to push. You don't always have to be out there at your edge. One step back from the edge is also a wonderful place to be.
I want you to be able to enjoy, not just the highs, but also...
The quiet moments of soaring.
They're part and parcel of the everyday experience of the soaring system...
I've learned how to negotiate with our elected officials. I'm not scared of meeting with them anymore. I still pay big attention in case someone throws me a curve ball. And I still have plenty of growing edges elsewhere, like asking major donors for money.
But with the politicians, I enjoy every minute of the mastery I worked so hard to achieve. I don't have the highs I used to have when I was still learning how to work with these folks, but now I have many moments of pure pleasure because I know what I'm doing.
One more note about the gap...
It's in here that you find the secret to mastery.
If you practice the same-old, same-old, you might add poslish to your skills, but you don't really develop your abilities. If you reach too far ahead and try to practice things you aren't ready for, you'll just fail, fail, fail.
Top performers work on what's in their challenge-skills gap. They work on the skills that are just right for growing them.
And when they grow out of the gap they're in, well, there's another one just ahead, so they never have to quit developing themselves.
Focus on focus
Another way to take the mystery out of flow is to put your attention in the right place.
When I first learned about flow, I read that time stops and the background recedes. Those were essentials.
So I thought I had to make time stop and make the background recede. Wrong, wrong, wrong. There was no way I could do that because that's not the way it works. Those two things are examples of the...
Consequences of flow not the causes.
Flow comes from focus, so that's the place to focus...
Time stops because you're so intent on what you're doing that you have no attention left over to think about time.
The background recedes because you have no bandwith for it.
What helps you focus? Many things. Here are four of the most important...
When you you feel your mission deeply, when it's innately compelling to you, when you pursue it not because you believe you should, but because you love it, then it can sweep you up and away from distractions.
When you work in deep alignment with your natural talents and the strengths you've developed from them, then you're at your confident best. Which makes it so much easier to focus than when you're struggling and stumbling and second guessing.
When you have a daily practice of mastery, a system for continually developing your skills and your core abilities, then you're learning from everything you do all day, and day by day you're steadily becoming a stronger leader.
When you have a team around you of people who get you and get what it takes to be a soaring leader and they stand by you and your best leadership and love doing that, then you're getting what you need. And you'll be able to relax into focus. And you'll want to soar, not just for yourself, but also for your team.
Put just those four together and you'll become a force to reckon with.
What hurts focus? Many things, including...
The default, sacrificial nonprofit operating system, where you chase crises and use yourself up, and where relational aggression so often goes unchecked. It's very hard to go soaring when you're exhausted in the middle of a battle zone. Sacrifice is the exact opposite of soaring.
Lack of resources and support will hurt you, too, of course. It's very hard to focus deeply on anything when your to-do list is way too long and you feel overwhelmed and you're trying to manage too many things at once and everything and everyone is demanding your attention right now.
This whole question of focus often flies under the radar...
So many organizations have lackluster mission statements. They're very pretty, maybe even flowery, but not gutsy. They don't have that primal depth that can set people on fire. So the work drifts into drudgery.
Or certain practices become so familiar and so common and so many people are doing them that we accept them and stop noticing how bad they are for us. Let's take multi-tasking as one example to illustrate this.
Multi-tasking prevents flow. Makes it impossible...
Lots of leaders feel they have no choice. Multi-tasking seems like the only way to get through their day.
Nonprofits in general place high value on multi-taskers. Just look at the job ads for nonprofit leaders.
And then there's multi-tasking paralysis. I've been there...
I remember one day I was standing in the middle of my narrow office with piles of papers on my desk in front of me and piles on my work table behind me, and on top of each stack was something urgent that needed to be done right now.
I was good at prioritizing, but every single one of these priorities was an immediate top priority and as soon as I reached for one task my mind flashed to another, and I started turning from pile to pile, from desk to table and back again, until I was literally spinning in my office.
It really is a radical thing to...
Stop multi-tasking.
And...
Start leading through focus.
But it can make such a difference to take charge of your leadership, and do it with the soaring spirit...
In the morning when I come in, I say hi to everyone, head back to my office, hang a sign on my door that says, "Focus time," and then I close the door. For two hours. Period. I don't answer e-mails. I don't take phone calls. I protect myself.
I've got my staff trained to respect this now. And most of the time they're supportive because I'm so much more productive this way. They're especially glad to see me power through my grant writing, because that's what keeps them in paychecks.
And I love it, too. I've got plenty of projects that take serious concentration—appeal letters, campaign design, strategy, reports. I do way better work on these things now because I'm doing them when I'm at my best.
And this is my time to think. To consider how we can be stronger, how we can do better. To look at myself and consider how I could be stronger. To think deeply about what my staff really need from me. All things great leaders are supposed to do, but which I used to believe I didn't have time to do.
And now I know that even a little bit of thinking time can make a very big difference.
Most of all, though, I value these two hours, because that's when I get to commune with my mission. And I say it that way because that's exactly what it feels like. And that precious time is the heart of my leadership.
So then when I open the door and the deluge begins, I feel great. I've started the day with a bang. Jason complained last Friday that he couldn't get to me until 11, and I just said, "Would you rather work for a happy boss or an unhappy boss?" He got it, and burst out laughing.
Noble shoulds
When you get to soaring, the crude attacks of your inner critic don't work anymore, things like...
You're stupid.
You'll never be able to lead.
In soaring mode, it's so obvious that you're smart and successful that any attacking messages to the contrary just sound ridiculous.
So what's a poor inner critic to do?
Put on a disguise.
Pretend to be an advocate for soaring.
Which means it will start telling you things like...
Soaring is the best kind of leadership there is, so you should be there.
You had a peak moment this morning and then you lost it. You should have stayed with it. What's wrong with you?
These are noble shoulds. On the surface they sound supportive, but not so. And how do we know that? Because...
Shoulds kill soaring.
And especially the noble shoulds, the smooth-talking shoulds.
Without shoulds of any kind, some things become immediately clear.
Like, you don't have to go soaring at all if you don't want to. It's a choice not a should...
I don't care about peak moments. I grew up in turmoil in a desperately dysfunctional family. What I care about is calm and stability and I've got that and I'm sticking with it. It's right for me.
And if you want to go soaring, you get to do it your own way. Sometimes people think soaring is synonymous with grand. But it doesn't have to be. It can be synonymous with intimate. And everything in between.
So the most important question to ask yourself is, "What do I need?"
I know myself quite well. God knows, I should after all these years of therapy. And one thing I know is I'm a shy person. I do really well leading a small, intimate team. But put me in the limelight and I freeze. I'd work on that, except there's nothing in me that wants to be in the limelight. I can do all my soaring right here quietly at home in my little nonprofit, thank you.
Inner critics...
Attack us, and
Lie to us.
And the noble shoulds are the worst. If our inner critics really wanted us to go soaring, they'd just shut up.
In-and-out dance
Sometimes I'm talking with a leader who's had a string of peak moments, but now...
"I feel like I've fallen out of soaring and I'm scared that it's not coming back. I think it's over for me. Back I go to the drudgery."
I simply ask how she feels about soaring...
"I love it, I'm crazy about it, I miss it, I want to be back with it, I feel lonely without it."
Now she's looking at soaring in relationship terms, not on the terms of her inner critic. And then I might say...
"You love soaring so much, I can guarantee you it's not going away. You're a fighter, you're not going to give up on yourself."
"Okay, I hear that."
"And where are you now in terms of your operating system?"
"I'd say I'm in some twilight zone between sustainable and soaring. What is this place?"
"Have you ever noticed the difference between your peak moments and the operating system that generates those moments?"
"Not till you just asked me that question."
"What do you see?"
"If I fall out of a peak exprience that doesn't mean I've fallen out of soaring. I'm still in readiness, which means more peak experiences are on the way."
"And what if you never had another peak experience in you life?"
"I'd miss them, but soaring even without those moments is a very good way to live. I'd still be thrilled to be here."
"Let's look at your relationship with peak moments. What's it like on your way into one?"
"It's like falling in love. No, it's calmer than that and more trustworthy. I'll just say it's my favorite place to be. It seems to bring out all the best in me at once."
"And when you fall out of a peak moment, what's that like?"
"Oooo, I hate it. I panic. A little should on my shoulder tells me I'm a failure."
"But what's really happening? Again in relationship terms..."
"Oh, I'm still in the relationship. Because it's not about the peak moments. They don't exist on their own. When I'm having a peak moment I'm in my relationship with soaring, and when I'm not having a moment, I'm still in my relationship with soaring."
"So..."
"Nothing to worry about, not when I take my focus off the moments and put it on my relationship with soaring. Then I can relax and trust."
"Have you ever herad of anyone living in peak moments 100% of the time?"
"Actually, never."
"For some people these moments are rare, for others frequent, but no one is there all the time. And by the way, what would it be like if you lived 100% in peak moments?"
"Exhausting. Yikes, I never thought about that. I guess I like the in and out of it, the variety. I can see I need the time out to recover for the next high."
"That's what I call the in-and-out dance. You fall out, you deepen your relationship with peak moments. When you go back in, you remember how much you love it there, and that deepens your relationship. And meanwhile the soaring operating system is home."
"And that's the most important part of it, to have this kind of home."
Mastering the art of failure
In our society there's so much shame around failure, and I think this hurts us and holds us back.
We need a different relationship with failure because there's no way to do something as contrary as social change and not have failures. We're going up against a whole lot of resistance when we do what we do, and some of that resistance is very well funded.
So I like John Maxwell's concept of...
Failing forward.
Thomas Edison is often cited as an example of this. He tried out over 6,000 filaments before he got to a working light bulb. It took him over 8,000 attempts, or failures, to invent the Edison battery. His attitude was that each failure brought him closer to success.
And notice these were not random failures, but failures that went with a smart game plan.
And isn't succeeding at social change a lot harder than inventing the light bulb?
So we're going to have failures. And when an inner critic—or an outer critic—attacks you for a failure, that attack can take you outside yourself, outside your focus, outside soaring. But the more you're able to feel failure is an integral part of success, as the genuine and necessary partner of success, the more likely you'll be able to stay in your zone.
So here's a strategy I like...
Take the risk you need to take, really take it—while doing everything you can to reduce that risk.
This means you take your risks as part of a smart plan. You make sure you have a strong team around you to take the risk with you...
If I fail, I know what I'm going to do. I'm not planning to fail, but I am planning for if I fail.
I used to crash and shut down and then take a long time to get going again. Now if I fail, I feel it, I don't like it, I might need a little time to regroup, but I get how it's part of the game I'm in. So I keep playing. And that part feels good. Really good.
Asking for what you need
Soaring changes how you ask...
Rich: Where did you start from?
Holly: I believed leaders were not supposed to have any needs. And my asks were so apologetic I didn't even convince myself.
Rich: And now?
Holly: I don't cheat on myself any more.
Rich: And in the actual moment of asking?
Holly: I'm kind of taken with myself.
Rich: Because?
Holly: I'm so intense. And reach so deep. And I'm still not quite used to it. Maybe I never will be. While I'm doing my ask, I'm also watching myself, entranced, wondering what I'm going to say next.
Rich: And where did this come from?
Holly: Not where I expected. I took workshops, I read books, but that didn't do it for me. It was my daughter.
Rich: I'd love to hear that story if you want to tell it.
Holly: I don't tell it to many people because it's precious to me.
Rich: I understand.
Holly: But I do want to tell it. You know how serious I am about mothering.
Rich: Yes, I do.
Holly: When I came back to work after maternity leave, I made a big shift. It wasn't because I understood anything about what I needed. It was just the reality that I had to pick up Susie from childcare by 6 p.m., no excuses. So I had to leave the office by 5:30 no matter what.
Rich: What happened?
Holly: I got ruthless about my decision making. Once upon a time, I could dawdle through my day and pick up pieces of other people's work and do things of secondary importance, because I knew I had all those evening hours to make up for what I didn't get done during regular hours.
When Susie came along, though, I couldn't do that anymore. And when I couldn't do it, I saw I didn't want to do it. I got pushed right over the edge into a new way of thinking.
Rich: And at home?
Holly: Here was this little baby who I loved more fiercely than I've ever loved anyone or anything and there was a moment when I was up with her in the night, nursing her, half awake, half in a dream, and I just watched the two of us together as she was feeding, and this wave of feeling washed over me. I wanted to feed her with the best possible mother's milk I could give her. And I wanted to feed her, as she grows up, with the best possible me.
Rich: And from there?
Holly: My life changed, including my asking.
Rich: Like?
Holly: I wanted Belinda to be my Board Chair. She's led fundraising for a series of different Boards over the years. She treats people with such kindness and at the same time she's so serious about getting results. And there's a depth to her that I don't understand yet, but I love being around her, and I want to understand what that is.
Rich: You had your heart set on her...
Holly: I really, really wanted her. I wanted to make her my Chair and she wasn't even on my Board yet. And she had told me that she was way too overcommitted, but she did agree to talk with me.
So I talked. Just said it straight out. Told her how I felt about her. What I thought we could do together. I was in my middle-of-the-night mood.
Rich: And she?
Holly: Said yes. She quit two other Boards and came over here and she's kicking butt, and I love every minute of working with her.
Rich: Do you know why she changed her mind?
Holly: I wanted to know that and she said, "Never in my life have I been asked for anything like you asked for me."
Getting there
If you want to go soaring as a leader, not only do you need to master a host of specific skills but you also need to develop a significant level of self-mastery.
In the stories below, you'll see that Noah had self-mastery, but then needed to learn specific skills. Anna was strong on the skills but then had to re-discover something important about herself. Eddie worked on self and skills at the same time.
Noah: How did I get here? Building my chops through the daily practice of mastery. Moving forward step by step. Getting better and better at each of the specific leadership skills I needed until they started adding up and working together making a really neat kind of synergy.
When I didn't have to think so hard about it anymore, that's when leadership started to flow.
Rich: So are you saying it was just the skill building?
Noah: Oh, actually not. That took place in a bigger context, the special affinity I've had for leading from an early age.
Rich: How early?
Noah: Well, my mom tells me that even in kindergarten or in play groups, I was always the one who decided what we kids were going to do next. And I was inventive so I kept finding fun things to do so the other kids liked following my lead.
And then from grade school through high school, I was always a class officer. Never president. I didn't want that responsibility. I liked creating my own projects that I could lead myself. Social events, service projects, things that other kids would have fun doing under my leadership.
In college, same thing. I recruited students to tutor the town kids. At the peak I had 300 volunteer tutors. And then I organized picnics and parties and field trips. If college had been nothing but the academic work, I would have been bored.
Rich: So you've always loved leading?
Noah: Yes, the results of it for sure, but even more, I just love the feel of it. I enjoy being at the center of attention. No, that's not it. I'm not shy about people giving me their attention, I thrive on that, but it's got to be a certain kind of attention to make me happy. What I like best is being the catalyst who brings everyone alive. If my team's not happy, I'm not happy.
Rich: So what happened when you became ED?
Noah: This ED position was my first job out of college.
Rich: Wow, that's unusual.
Noah: You bet. The Board took a chance on me.
Rich: What did they tell you about why they hired you?
Noah: It was because of my leadership history. They decided I was a natural. And they were right. But they were also smart enough to know that being a natural is not enough, so they gave me a dedicated budget for training and so I could hire consultants and mentors as needed to get my skills up.
Rich: So you still had a lot to learn?
Noah: Did I ever. But I was into it. I made my plan and tore loose. I was obsessed with skill building.
Rich: And the most important thing was...
Noah: My love of leadership. That's what kept me going as I climbed the steep learning curve. And it kept me connected to my team while I was mastering the skills. They were very understanding about giving me the time and space to grow into my position.
Rich: And now?
Noah: I've got the perfect marriage between my natural calling and the strengths I've developed in service of that calling. And those new strengths make me feel so much more at home with leading.
Rich: And going forward?
Noah: I keep stretching into new challenges. That's the part that keeps me excited to come to work every day.
Rich: And your Board?
Noah: I'm so thankful to them for giving me this opportunity. It's been perfect for me. And they're jazzed about my proposals for the future. I told them I want them to get rid of term limits so they could stick with me forever. We do good work together.
Next is Anna:
Anna: I did want to be a leader, I knew that, but I was also scared of it, the magnitude of the responsibility. Most of my staff are parents of young children. Sometimes at the end of the day, just as everyone was getting ready to go home I'd look around the office and think about how much they mattered to me. And then I'd think about how they depend on my fundraising for their livelihood, and that took my breath away.
Rich: So how did you respond to the fear?
Anna: I'm a worker-bee, so I went to work on the problem and set myself to learning best practices. Actually I did better than learn them, I demanded excellence of myself. That's something I know how to achieve. I always knew how to get the A's in school. There's a method to it and if you follow that method you get the grade. So I used the same strategy with leadership.
Rich: And?
Anna: It didn't work.
Rich: Because?
Anna: I became a leader who had how-to excellence, and I'm proud of that, but I was missing a piece. The relationship piece. The part where you inspire people, where you shape them into a team that's got the fire for the mission.
Rich: So then?
Anna: I went home one night feeling like an egg way overdue for hatching. I stopped in front of my hall mirror and started talking with myself.
Rich: How did it go?
Anna: At first I criticized myself because I was so frustrated: You've worked so hard, how come you're not doing better? Where's your A+? What's wrong with you?
But there I was standing in front of my mirror and saw the sour look on my face and didn't like it. And then, I don't know why, I thought of my keepsake box on the shelf in my closet, and in that box was the magic wand I used to carry with me as a little girl when I'd dress up as the fairytale princess, the only thing I ever wanted to be on Halloween for ten years in a row.
I got it out, and came back to the mirror, and saw how big my eyes were, and then touched my mirror forehead with the wand, an"power."
I realized I was scared of my personal power. I had the professional side of power down cold. But that was the problem—cold. I needed to add me, all of me, to warm it up.
My mom says October is still her favorite month because of the memories she has of how I enrolled family and friends in my fairy tale adventures all month long leading up to Halloween. She said she loved following me into my imaginary world because I was having so much fun with it myself.
So holding the wand again, and remembering, and looking at this person in the mirror, who was smiling, not looking directly at me, but giving me these sweet, shy glances, I heard myself whispering yes, not to competence, but to adventure.
Rich: And then?
Anna: The next morning at work I noticed my staff noticing me, trying to figure out what was different about me. I was in such a playful mood I didn't want to tell them my secret, I wanted to show them. So I bantered with them, I flirted with them—not the romantic kind, but the kind where you're flirting possibilities—and then I started dancing them into our new direction which they took to like ducks to water.
Rich: And being scared of your power?
Anna: When I stepped beyond my fear that first time, then I could see what it was made of. I had been scared that if I wasn't a proper ED, exuding the conventional kind of polished confidence, and jingling all over with standard best practices, then people wouldn't accept me. Or would even be afraid I might fail them.
I was scared that if, instead, I let myself be inspired by my own creative delight, and led from there, people would think me odd and pull away. And then I'd be one of those leaders who's lonely at the top. And I really didn't want that.
Rich: But now the difference was?
Anna; I brought my childhood talent for enrolling people into my adult world, I took that risk, and it worked. It couldn't have worked better. My staff are so much happier. And once I saw that, my spirit took off, and that was my soaring debut.
And now Eddie...
Eddie: Everyone else declared me a success, but I didn't feel it.
Rich: What did you feel?
Eddie: The doldrums. Like being an ED was not the right match for me. Like I had missed my true calling. And yet it was so right for me and I was doing good, solid work. But how could it be right if it didn't make me happy? But why didn't it make me happy?
Rich: So...
Eddie: I went to see a therapist who also did career counseling and told her I needed to switch to a new line of work.
Rich: And her reaction?
Eddie: She started asking me questions, all kinds of questions. It puzzled me, so I said, 'Where are we going with this?" And she said, "I have no idea. Do you?" And I said, "No idea." And she said, "Then let's go there!"
In our third session, she suddenly pulled up short, and said, "Okay, this is out of the blue, except maybe it's not, maybe it's coming from my heart, but how does shame show up in your life?"
Well, that was a shocker. Shame is not a word I ever used and it wasn't something I ever thought about. I blurted, "Why would you ask me that?" I could feel my defenses rise up ready for a fight.
And she said, "Oh, because now I know where we're going, because notice your response right now. There's something here for you. A gift. But it doesn't feel like that, does it?"
"It sure doesn't."
"Take a breath and tell me how easy is it for people to give you things, like when it's your birthday?"
"I don't like celebrating my birthday. I try to slip past it without anyone noticing."
"Do they notice?'
"Yes, and they give me a party."
"And you?"
"I grin and bear it."
"And what about when people love you, how easy is it for you to take that in?"
"Oh. I see. I'm not good at that. Everyone says I'm a sweetheart. But Cindy, my last girlfriend said she was so frustrated because I always treated her so well, but then I never let her love me back. She said she had so much she wanted to give me, but I didn't let her give it."
I could tell you more, but the short version is that Robin, that's my therapist, got me talking about shame. At first I was tentative, but then it all came out in a rush. I think because it was such a relief to quit covering up and tell the truth.
And what I came to see is that from childhood on up, my core belief about myself has been that I'm not lovable. It actually wasn't a belief. I considered it a stone-cold fact. Immutable. So no wonder I didn't let people love me. I didn't want them to waste themselves on me.
Rich: And then in terms of leading?
Eddie: Direct parallel. Just like I didn't let people give me their love, I didn't let my staff give me their following, if that makes sense.
Rich: Say more.
Eddie: I've learned that following is a gift. And a leader needs to be receptive, needs to take it in, really take it in, and love taking it in. And then people want to give more.
My sense of shame was blocking that. Of course, you don't make a lifetime of shame go away overnight, but I can tell you, when I could finally see it for what it was, the spell was broken. I don't like shame, I don't believe in it, I don't support it, it's against my values.
In fact, it's more than that. I hate it, I hate the destruction it does. So once Robin and I got it flushed out in the open where I could get my hands on it, I started opposing it with everything I've got. Getting it out of my life. Getting free. And that's when soaring started for me, the minute I got into that fight. And started letting my staff actually touch my heart.
Good to great
Do you know the saying...
The good keeps us from the great.
Or the more intense version...
The good is the enemy of the great.
What does this saying mean? It describes a situation where you have lots of good things going for you. Your life is, in fact, filled up with good things, maybe jammed with them. And they keep you so busy that you never stop and think and then decide to go for that one thing that would make your life great.
In other words, you settle, but it doesn't feel like that so it's hard to catch.
In contrast to what's good...
Great is what takes your breath away.
Or...
What gives you your deepest sense of peace.
It might sound like this...
When I finally found my true calling, my life rang through with resonance like when you strike a Tibetan brass bowl with an ancient piece of wood.
Or...
I've never felt so unfamiliar to myself—and so much at home.
But the concept of great comes with this warning...
Pursuing what's great is a very serious choice.
Because if you're going to say the big yes, the great yes, then you're going to have to say a lot of noes. Also big ones.
And what will you be saying no to? How easy it would be if all you had to do was say no to bad things. But it doesn't work like that.
You have to say no to good things. Maybe very good things. Things you wish with all your heart you could say yes to. But you can't because the great thing requires unparalleled commitment.
So going after what's great for you will likely be a serious challenge. It might even be wrenching at first. And not everyone will necessarily understand the noes you say. Because you might be saying no, not just to good things, but to good people. Really good people...
Robbie: I'm leaving here.
Rich: You've made the decision?
Robbie: Yes, and I'm so torn apart.
Rich: Because?
Robbie: This is where I've grown up as a leader. They given me really important opportunities and constant support. Five years, and I've grown very fond of the people here. I'm so attached to them, I can't imagine leaving. But I have to go.
Rich: And why?
Robbie: Because I've started growing apart from them, and I look at the trajectory I'm on and I can see our paths are going diverge even more. You know, there are consequences to this soaring thing.
Rich: Yes, there are.
Robbie: What I know about myself is that I have to make a bigger difference tomorrow than I'm making today. I need to do that. I need that steady forward motion.
Rich: And the split is?
Robbie: Everyone else here is satisfied. They're not hungry like me. They do good work, really good work. But I can see how our work could be great. I've had talks with different staff about their ambitions and my ambitions, and on that one point alone there's a mismatch. I so wish there weren't. My first choice would be to stay here and for all of us to go soaring together.
Rich: But you feel sure that's not going to happen?
Robbie: That's right. I've explored it. Right up to the point where I started to annoy people. They're clear about their choice.
Rich: And what do you think about their choice?
Robbie: I think it's right for them. I mean they're solidly in the sustainable zone, and it works for them, and they're genuinely happy, and they don't feel called to more, and they do good work, and the world needs good work so badly, so what's not to love, except...
Rich: You're feeling...
Robbie: Sadness, so much sadness.
Rich: And what if you did stay?
Robbie: I know what would happen. I wouldn't get what I need and I'd start resenting them. And they matter too much to me to let that happen.
And if I stayed here, restless and tugging, they'd resent me. Even if I never said another word about what I wanted, they know me well enough, they'd be able to read me. And they'd feel bad for not giving me what I need. And they'd bristle at my silent demands.
Rich: Hard.
Robbie: God, is it ever. I thought soaring was supposed to fix everything, but it's put me in the middle of this terrible decision.
Rich: And you've decided?
Robbie: I have. I can't not move forward. But it hurts and I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to them. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to lose them. I want them to stay in my life.
Rich: What if you started by telling them that? What if you talked them through your decision? What if you let them feel the pain you're in making this choice? Just be true instead of strategic.
Robbie: Yes, I like that. That's a relief. I can take a breath again. I've been forgetting the relationship we have. We've been through five good years together. I need to make sure that when I tell them, we have plenty of time to talk this through so I can tell the whole story.
Rich: And I hear you wanting to keep these relationships.
Robbie: Yes. I know how great it feels to be wanted and I do want to keep them in my inner circle, and I want them to keep me in theirs.
Rich: You know, I'm not hearing judgments at all. I'm hearing so much caring that I can't see how judgments could elbow into the conversations you're going to have with them.
Robbie: Yes, if things get bumpy, I'll keep coming back to my caring for them and ask them to come back to their caring for me. Okay, now I can see how to do this.
Rich: And what would be the best outcome?
Robbie: If this goodbye deepened our relationship. If it's better tomorrow because today we told the truth to each other about what we need. I've been worried about the exact words I'm going to say, but now that I've got the spirit, I see I don't need a script because I know the words will come.
Rich: And what's next for you?
Robbie: Oh, I'm cooking that! I've launched my campaign. My friend Josie told me there's going to be an opening next month where she works. So I've been coming in here Saturdays and going over there to volunteer on Fridays. Not for small stuff. I'm working with them on their biggest project.
Jerilyn, their ED, is getting to know me. She likes me so far. In another two weeks, she's going to see me as indispensable. Then she won't even post an announcement, she'll just hire me. That's my plan.
Rich: I love seeing this aliveness in you.
Robbie: I have to have that.
Rich: And why this place in particular?
Robbie: Because I want Jerilyn as my mentor. She treats people really well and, wow, does she ever have ambitions. She's a program generator. They've tripled their budget since she came. And their work is relentlessly innovative. People are coming to them from around the country for training and inspiration.
And Josie's right, I've seen it for myself, everyone on staff loves playing the biggest game they can.
Rich: Your kind of place.
Robbie: My kind of place and my kind of people—for my future.
Pleasure
Under the sacrificial system...
You learn from struggle.
When you get sustainable...
You learn from the work of mastery.
When you go soaring...
You learn from pleasure.
And you follow it's lead.
Does pleasure strike you as a strange word to use in the context of nonprofit work? It's about as opposite as you can get from the sacrificial paradigm of the exhausted leader on the burnout track.
I know there are people who think pleasure is a distraction from the seriousness of the work. But I think it goes right to the heart of our work.
As I said on my home page, making the kind of difference you're deeply called to make—that's so very serious, and so very fun...
It's pleasure you feel with your soul.
And...
It's the pleasure of power.
The power you find within yourself to build relationships, then teams, then movements in service of what matters most to you.
Because social change work is something we often have to do in the face of adversity in difficult territory, the pleasure of it burns all that much more brightly.
But like soaring itself, this pleasure can get complicated. There can be crosscurrents. Even though many leaders are 100% happy with soaring once they get there and they feel like they're living in a state of grace, still soaring is not a happy-talk, new-age kind of thing.
Soaring might ask you to make some of the toughest decisions you'll ever make, decisions that don't stop being tough even after you've made them...
Ruby: I don't get to be ED anymore.
Rich: How so?
Ruby: I don't get to run staff meetings. They used to be my favorite part of the week, that feeling of community. Now I don't even go to them. I just don't have the time.
And I don't have any direct reports left except for my deputy and he's so great I don't have to manage him at all. I miss supervision, I loved developing my staff in that one-on-one way.
Rich: So what do you do now?
Ruby: I make calls. I taking meetings. We've tapped into something amazing. We're geting national attention. This is our time and we've got to run with it. We've come so far and we're doing so well. Not just me, but the whole team. Soaring is definitely the word for it.
My role now is to gather in people with connections and money who are in positions of influence. I'm not just asking for checks and endorsements. We want a whole lot more. We want VIPs who also see themselves as activists on our issue, who are willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work. We want people we can feel great about inviting into our family.
Rich: So you're like a super organizer?
Ruby: That's it exactly. It is organizing that I'm doing. Which is something I've always loved, but now I'm just doing it with people at a different level. I'm building a monster network with a whole lot of clout.
Rich: How are you doing personally with this change?
Ruby: Soaring is supposed to be a pleasure, but today I'm feeling the losses. Soaring should have a warning label about the side effects.
Rich: I guess it should.
Ruby. I loved being ED. For such a long time I was so at home with it I thought it was my calling and that I'd do it for the rest of my life. But now I find myself in new territory.
Rich: How do you describe it?
Ruby: One way is with titles. My deputy and I are talking about making me President and then he'd step up and become ED. He'd keep everything humming and growing and I'd be zooming around the country managing all our new super contacts. I'd be free to follow my instincts and find highly-effective people in all different kinds of positions who can help move our mission forward.
Rich: Free?
Ruby: Yeh, I'm freer now than I've ever been. It seems like such a luxury. And it's strange.
Rich: Because?
Ruby: It's like I have no duties, not in the sense of the administrative things that used to take up so much of my time. But now our vision is so much bigger. So I'm carrying a lot less, yet I'm carrying a lot more. This soaring is a contradictory mix.
Rich: Any other mixes you're seeing?
Ruby: Yes. My life is so much simpler now, because I really only have one job duty: organizing nationally. But that one duty is so much more complex and takes so much more of me to do it right.
Rich: For example?
Ruby: I have to do the most intense conversations with these new folks to make sure I weed out anyone who has let power or fame go to their head. I ask a lot of very pushy questions of VIPs, some of whom might feel like they're above putting up with that from someone like me. But I have to know about their commitment. And pushy questions reveal the quality of their character in short order.
Rich: So, you've got a new kind of freedom.
Ruby: Yes, I do love that. I get up in the morning and look at possibilities instead of an overloaded to-do list. I love the sense of adventure. That part is good for me. Two decades of mastering leadership and it's all adding up now into much bigger work and much bigger meaning.
Rich: And how is it for you personally to spend so much time with VIPs?
Ruby: Well, truth be told, I'm not impressed with VIPs. Not like I thought I might be. Not like you're supposed to be. I'm finding that I don't have any innate desire to know VIPs just because they're VIPs. All I want to know is whether they're with us on our mission. That's what I'm obsessed with. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm putting these people down.
Rich: Is it true that you're not impressed?
Ruby: It's quite true.
Rich: Then it's just a fact.
Ruby: But you can see how someone might take it wrong.
Rich: Yes, I can. And given that, it's great that you can say it and claim it. And what does it give you that you're not impressed?
Ruby: Let me answer with this. My favorite time is still when I'm at home with my partner and our son and our circle of friends—down-to-earth people without even minor fame or any kind of serious money.
Rich: And that gives you...
Ruby: Freedom. There's that word again. See, if some big-deal person were ever to get mad at me or kick me out or stomp off, well, I'd care, but not too much. Because I have my base and I'm so secure there—at home, in my organization, in our coalition. It's very, very hard to throw me off balance these days.
Rich: So then when you meet with a VIP...
Ruby: Well, you know how it is, most people approach them like supplicants. Please help us, we'll do anything you ask to get you to give us a boost.
I do the opposite. I tell them what it takes to get themselves invited to sign up with us and work with us. Just like how you and I used to talk about auditioning donors, I'm auditioning VIPs. If they don't meet our requirements, if it's about their ego and not our mission, then I don't want them.
Rich: So is it fun to interview VIPs from that stance?
Ruby: It's such fun. You know me, begging is not my strong suit. So I like this a lot. And it surprises the VIPs. It says to them, it doesn't matter what status you have in the world, in the world of our mission we're equals, and I want to see your heart first before you get to join the family. And that's a soaring kind of thing, isn't it?
Rich: Sure seems like it.
Ruby: And there's nothing mixed about that blessing. It totally works for me.
Rich: What if you were star struck instead?
Ruby: I'd feel like I was a creeping thing crawling on my belly.
Rich: What does it give the VIPs to be around someone like you? Someone standing on her own two feet, knowing her own mind, sure of who she is.
Ruby: That's an interesting question. And I've thought about it a lot. See, these people realize very quickly that I'm not any kind of groupie. Within the first two minutes after I walk in the door they can tell that.
When I connect with someone, it's because I see them for what's in their heart. I imagine that's got to be refreshing. You know Katie Lynne told me she was hungry for this work. She used that word. It's filling an empty place in her life. No wonder she's the one I feel closest to.
Fame is such a tricky thing. It can give you a lot, but it can take away so much if you're not careful. Like your soul.
Rich: So, no more staff meetings.
Ruby: I know. That feels so radical. But the mission says it's time for me to be President and I don't know how I could say no to that. And in my heart of hearts I don't want to say no. I'm choosing this.
I just wish I could be two people, then I could do this organizing and still be the ED, too. I thought when I got to the top of my game, soaring would mean that I could have everything. But it turns out you have to choose. And you get to see who you are when you choose.
Rich: And now you're soaring, you're really and truly there, and...
Ruby: It's sad and it's sweet, but, oh, the sweet is so very sweet.
OS for leaders
The overview of the operating systems.
Source and spirit
This is where your leadership starts,
with what's deepest in your heart.
SACRIFICING
This hurts you and keeps on hurting you.
SUSTAINING
This grows you and keeps on growing you.
SOARING
This makes you exponentially more effective.
© 2010 Rich Snowdon
