Staff Development: Championing vs. correcting
When I do workshops on managing staff, the first questions I get are about trouble and the people who cause it.
No one has ever asked this first...
How do I support my top performers better?
And isn't that interesting? How demanding trouble is.
Meanwhile it's so easy to forget about our top performers. Many times I've heard a leader say something like...
"Jeannie? Oh, she's doing great and thank God for that. She's the one person I don't have to worry about. She doesn't need anything from me."
The Advocacy Stand says, "Reverse this!"
Give your top performers your prime time and attention.
Put them first.
Build your staff culture around them and what they need.
And they do have needs. Big ones because they're up to big things. For example...
They need a workplace that's free of rancor and strife so they can play at the top of their game.
They need to be witnessed.
They need to know they matter to you.
If you're going to make time for your top performers then you have to set limits on anyone who's causing trouble.
You don't have endless conversations with them. You don't chase them in the same old cirlces again and again. Instead you call the question...
Will you do what it takes to be on our team and make a signficant contribution toward moving the mission forward?
Calling the question means you're asking them to make a decision...
To either get with the team or get out.
That's putting it bluntly, but that's what it comes down to.
We can ask someone to change their behavior, but we can't make them do it. The person has to decide if they want to meet your standards or not.
And it's okay to take a stand for your standards...
Being a great team, and
Doing great work together,
With a big emphasis on together.
It's not okay for anyone to drag the team down. It's not okay for anyone to suck the life out of the organization. You don't have to put up with that.
This may sound like tough guy stuff, but really you're being an advocate...
For your top performers.
For your mission.
For yourself.
And actually for the troublesome staff, too. It's not good for people to be able to get away with bad behavior. So when you put a stop to it, even if they don't like it, it's still an advocacy kind of thing to do.
On this page, I'm going to give you examples of...
Conversations with your staff about problems.
And examples of...
Conversations with your staff about possibilities.
The normal thing would be to start with the problems first and and spend most of our time there and get to the possibilities just at the end for dessert. But I'm going to do the reverse. I'm going to start with possibilities. And why?
Because...
If you're learning the Advocacy Stand, I believe you'll find that conversations about possibilities are sweeter and easier—for you.
They're not necessarily easier for the staff. Some people find it much harder to talk about their strengths than their problems. It takes some getting used to.
But for you as the supervisor, it's probably going to be easier to talk with someone when you're not setting limits or asking for behavior change. Just please remember that possibility conversations are not casual. They still require 100% of your attention and focus and personal investment.
And let's add another reason...
I recommend that if you've decided to create an advocacy culture that you start with a big focus on strengths and talents. I'd urge you to have conversations with each of your staff about their strengths and what those strengths make possible for their future.
Start there. Then if you have to have a conversation about problems later on, you've already establish a solid relationship of advocacy.
Possibilities
Here's an example of a conversation that's an easy-going cruise in search of possibilities. Notice how Kimi, the ED, stays inside her mood of advocacy from beginning to end.
Kimi: How's it going with your team?Dell: I love them. And we just keep doing better and better work. I'm so happy in this job. This is where I belong.
Kimi: I'm really glad to hear that because I'm hoping you stay here for the long term. I was telling two of my friends last night how thankful I am for you.Dell: Wow.
Kimi: May I ask you this? What's next for you here?Dell: I haven't really thought about that.
Kimi: I'm just thinking about how far you've come since you became department head.Dell: Yes, well I like learning new things.
Kimi: What would you like to learn next? What would you enjoy learning that would also make you stronger in your position?Dell: Oh, if that's the question then I'd say public speaking.
Kimi: Tell me about that.Dell: I feel at home with a small group of people who I work closely with every day. I think that's one of my strengths.
Kimi: Yes, I see that. I'd even say you've developed with your team a kind of intimacy and mutual support that's unusual in the workplace. People look out for each other. You even finish each other's sentences.Dell: That's true. We went out last night to hear the Barbary Coast All Stars and were having so much fun, people were surprised to find out we were a work team rather than a group of old friends.
So I'm happy with how I'm doing here in the office, but it's when I go out in the world that my shyness kicks in. I'd like to do something about that.
Kimi: What thoughts have you had about this so far?Dell: I haven't thought about it, except that I know I want to stop being so shy because it holds me back.
Kimi: How?Dell: I think I could get more support for my program if I were out talking with people a lot more. I totally believe that if people knew the behind-the-scenes story of what we do every day, they' want to volunteer with us and maybe write checks. I feel restless. I want a wider world for this work.
Kimi: Cool. Let's make that happen.Dell: Okay. How?
Kimi: Well, let's look at public speaking, but I'm hearing that the your goal is also to develop a public presence.Dell: Yes, that's true.
Kimi: So let's play with ideas.Dell: I know about Toastmasters. Maybe I could try that.
Kimi: I have a friend, Gayle, who's done Toastmasters. Want to talk with her about it's like?Dell: Definitely.
Kimi: Okay, I'll get you her number. And then there's Speaking Circles which is about authentic speaking. Staying true to yourself rather than putting on a show. I can get you their website, if you want.Dell: Yes, I like the sound of that.
Kimi: And then I know Nancy, an actress. She does public speaking training for authors, MDs, scientists, pretty much anyone. If you want some one-on-one work with her I could give you $400 from the training budget.Dell: That sounds a little scary.
Kimi: Yes, it's intense, it's personal, but she's a sweetheart and really good at what she does. And you're dedicated to developing yourself, so I want you to have the best.Dell: How about if I try it once and then decide?
Kimi: Perfect. Now what else? What are you going to talk about?Dell: All the things that happen with the kids in the classroom every day.
Kimi: You know how I'm so intense about collecting success stories from all three of our departments?Dell: Yes.
Kimi: How about if you take that over for your department? I find it very helpful to be the one who collects the stories and writes them up. Then when I go out to talk with funders or the public, they're on the tip of my tongue and I have lots of them. At this point no one can ask me a question I don't have a story for. I'm a bit shy about public speaking myself and I find this preparation helps a lot.Dell: I love writing, so that sounds good to me.
Kimi: Okay, then as of now you're in charge of collecting all the stories from your department. And what about blogging? You could write up stories, talk about what they mean to you, add in quotes from your staff.Dell: Yes, I'd enjoy that. People tell me my writing voice is friendly. Sometimes they say warm and playful. Maybe if I write in that voice 3 or 4 times a week it would be more likely to show up for me when I do speaking.
Kimi: Once you've got that going and are comfy with it, let me know, and then here's something we can do if you like. I get more speaking requests than I can handle, especially service clubs like Rotary and the Lionesses. I could hand those off to you. You could go practice. They're very friendly audiences.Dell: Okay, when I'm ready I'll tell you. But how do I fit this into my schedule?
Kimi: I consider this to be of top importance. First, because I want this to be a place where staff grow and develop. Second, because if you were out speaking, maybe getting on radio and TV, I can easily see you bringing in volunteers and donations.
So it would be a win for the organization, too.
Let's go through your schedule and see what you can hand off to your staff. Give them a chance to grow as you grow.
Dell: Great. I think they'll be up for it.
Kimi: And I'd be glad to make a trade with you. You're handling the stories from your department and that saves me time. Pretty soon I might be handing off some of our priority speaking engagements to you. That means you're going to save me a bunch of time. What do you have that I could help with?Dell: What comes to mind is that I haven't planned the next three inservices for my staff. Those always take me a lot of time and they're not my favorite things. It would be great if you could handle those.
Kimi: Deal. I want to be more connected to your staff. That would be perfect. Tell me what they want to work on and I'll plan the sessions.Dell: Thanks. I'm a little bit anxious about all this, but a lot jazzed. I think once I get started, this plan is going to be a lot of fun.
Now, does this sound too sweet? Too easy?
To some people it does. Especially if they're used to personnel management being a struggle. But please remember, when you use the advocacy stand to create an advocacy culture, life gets a whole lot sweeter for everyone.
You might have noticed that in this conversation...
Kimi didn't have to do anything tricky or cagey or strategic or difficult.
That's because she and Dell were in synch. Of course she was paying close attention to Dell, but her purpose was simply to support Dell in getting her needs met so she could continue to grow and develop.
Kimi brought her caring and her presence to the conversation. That's all she needed. It was smooth sailing from there.
Next, Winston, the ED, is talking with Adriana about a very big decision. But she's co-leading. They're working this through together. Winston is advocating for her to make a real decision. And she's with him on that. They're very much on the same team here.
Adriana: Hey, Winston, do you have time to talk?
Winston: Yes, I do. In fact, I was just about to come looking for you.
Adriana: What's that?
Winston: We were scheduled to send out the job anonuncement this morning, you know the one, director of the new peer coaching program. But when I proofed it again and and handed it back to Terri, I heard myself tell her, "Hold off on this for a bit."
I've been thinking you'd be the frontrunner for this spot, but today I realized I don't even want to look at anyone else. This job has your name written all over it. Would you be willing to talk about it?
Adriana: Yes. The thing is my grandmother caught me last night and said, "What's wrong, Sweetie? Oh, it's about that job, isn't it?" She reads me better than I read myself.
My heart is telling me to go for it. This is my dream job. I want it more than anything. But my brain keeps coming up with objections. I want to apply but only if I know I can do it. It would kill me to screw up the program for those kids.
So can we have one of those due diligence conversations?
Winston: Absolutely. Let's make a deal. On my side, I wont try to talk you into the job. I think it matters that you make a real decision for yourself.
And on your side, how about if you don't be modest. Let's just take a really accurate look at your strengths and see how they match up with the job, okay?
Adriana: I think I can do that.
Winston: So should we start with what you love about the job or with the objections?
Adriana: The objections are pressing on me. Let's start there.
Winston: Okay, first one.
Adriana: I'm young. I'm 25. I've never supervised anyone before. My sister is in HR at a big corporation downtown and she's always complaining about how hard it is, how crazy and awful people can be. I told her it's different here. But she shook her head and said, "People are people," and then wouldn't talk with me about it any more.
It really is different here, isn't it? Tell me I'm not just imagining that.
Winston: Let's look at the facts. In the five years you've been here, what have you seen?
Adriana: This is a very happy place to work. My friend Flavia told me she'd be bored here. No personality battles to break up the day. I told her our work is so great that it keeps us cooking all on its own. We don't need any extra entertainments.
Winston: How many firings have we had?
Adriana: Just that one.
Winston: And what was it like?
Adriana: Quick and clean. We were all relieved to see him go because he was messing things up with the teens.
Winston: So...
Adriana: We are different. But why?
Winston: Because we have a system for hiring people who are a match for us and a system for supporting people once we hire them. Supervision here is a pleasure.
Adriana: Okay, so I would need to get a deeper understanding of how that system works, so I can do my part in it, but this sounds good. One thing I won't do is spend my days fighting with people like my sister does.
Winston: As long as I'm here that'll never happen.
Adriana: Good. I'm settled on that one. Next objection: We're going to hire two experienced therapists who are also coaches to back up our teen peer coaches in each of our two high schools. I'm expecting that they will be a good bit older than me, maybe by ten years or even twenty or more.
Won't they resent being supervised by someone as young and inexperienced as me? I'm worried they will just blow me off and do their own thing and then the team won't be a team.
Winston: Let's say one of the therapists is condescending to the teen coaches and is putting them down. Maybe calling them stupid when they make a mistake. How would you react?
Adriana: Well, she can't do that! That's a violation of everything we stand for. That's harmful to the kids and that's not okay. There's nothing about that kind of behavior that's okay. She's going to have to fix that immediately or she's out of here.
Winston: I just saw you take a stand for the kids and the program. That's something I want in a director. Something I have to have. And you've got it in spades. Did you see yourself do that? Remember, no modesty, accuracy.
Adriana: Okay, I saw it. I'm intense when it comes to the teens.
Winston: That's something I've seen in you for five years now. You know, I can always count on you. You always give 100%. You're super responsible to the mission. That's something else that's a must-have for this position.
Adriana: Okay, we'll check that off. But what about the age thing?
Winston: What's our stand on age?
Adriana: I've never seen anything written on that.
Winston No, but how do we behave when it comes to age?
Adriana: You hired me when I was just turning 20. I was really surprised because I had no experience then.
Winston: Except you had life experience and quality of character. That's what I went with and you've proven me right.
What about the teens you work with? Do any of them ever outshine the adults around them?
Adriana: Ohmigod, yes! The first six who I was planning to recommend to you for the peer coaching positions are dynamite. So much maturity. I know adults much older who don't have half what these kids have.
Winston: So age...
Adriana: Is not the determining factor for us. And that make sense since we're Youth Advocates. Of course we wouldn't discriminate based on age. Or get hung up on it. In fact, wouldn't it be fair to say that we're proactive about age? We help young people discover their strengths. We help them break through any limiting ideas they have about being young.
Winston: That's exactly right.
Adriana: So I guess I'd better not discriminate against myself based on age, either.
Winston: Cool. Okay, now imagine a therapist working for you says, "You're not really my boss. You can't tell me what to do. You're too young." How do you respond?
Adriana: I'd say, "You're too-missing-the-point, Sweetie." Well, I wouldn't say that. I'd be more professional.
Winston: Good, but I like the attitude.
Adriana: if someone said something like that she would obviously be a mis-match for us. So how could we check this out during the hiring process?
Winston: What would you need to ask and what would you need to hear in order to feel solid about hiring a therapist?
Adriana: I'd want to have a forthright conversation about age. I'd want her to convince us that she would not only put up with being supervised by someone as young as me, but she'd look forward to it. I'd want us to do due diligence on the age issue. Then I could put my fears to rest.
Winston: Then let's make a deal that an in-depth age conversation is now part of the interview process.
Adriana: Deal.
Winston: One more thing. Tell me about the work you're doing with the teen now. When things get tough then what? When there's a kid other staff are failing with what happens?
Adriana: I step in.
Winston: And is that a problem for you?
Adriana: No, I love it.
Winston: It doesn't drag you down?
Adriana: No, it fires me up.
Winston: Why?
Adriana: I like the adventure of it. I like getting to ramp up to my very best. I like having to use all my moxie and all my smarts. It's bracing. And then you get the breakthrough, and suddenly this kid who's been all about trouble suddenly sees that he's creative and caring and amazing.
Winston: Your face is all lit up as you're talking about this.
Adriana: I guess it would be a good thing to have the person who loves taking on the toughest challenges be the one in the top spot of the program.
Winston: Yes, it would. And how could you bring that talent over to supervising adults?
Adriana: Oh, I hadn't thought about that. The adults can't be tougher than the kids. And as director I get to call the shots, like requiring 100% responsibility from them.
Winston: Well, at least 95%.
Adriana: No, if they're working with my teens, I'd want 100%. Not that they couldn't make mistakes, but I'd want to see them putting their whole heart into the work.
Winston: Okay, it would be your department. I'd back you up on that.
Adriana: So the age thing is checked off. One final item, I don't know what I don't know. Are there things about this job that might blindside me?
Winston: Sure, I think we can count on surprises. But think back to the work we did as a committee to design this program and test it out. Lots of ups and downs. And you...
Adriana: I loved very minute of it.
Winston: We had some big problems to solve.
Adriana: But we solved them. And it felt great.
Winston: It does. So what if you could direct the program with the same spirit you had during the design phase?
Adriana: Oh, I get it. I can't see why I couldn't do that.
Winston: And think back over this conversation we're in right now. We've been problem solving some serious objections and...
Adriana: Working them through! Yes, we do good together!
Winston: So here's something I suddenly want to say to you. Do you understand that you wouldn't be doing this alone?
Adriana: No. I've been thinking that a director would have to handle everything herself. Especially because you're so busy. I wouldn't want to be coming to you with stuff all the time and bothering you.
Winston: The thing is I like working closely with my directors. And I'm a big fan of yours and I'd enjoy working with you in the same way. This peer program is dear to my heart. It's taken three years to get the funders to back us on it and I really want it to be a success. I'll be with you every step of the way.
Adriana: Now that you've said that, I realize that's what I most needed to hear. Now I'm okay.
Winston: Then let's make this official. Adriana, I'm offering you the position of director of the Peer Coaching Project. Will you take it?
Adriana: Yes! I'm a pure latina yes. And I promise you I'll give it everything I've got.
Winston: I know you will. So, how does it feel being the director, Director?
Adriana: It takes my breath away. I feel like I'm just at the top of the first hill on a roller coaster.
Winston: And?
Adriana: I love roller coasters!
Winston could have pep-talked Adriana into the job: You're great I know you can do it. I believe in you. You just have to believe in yourself. That kind of thing.
But look how this conversation took their working relationship to a much deeper place. He took an advocacy stand—that he wanted her to make a real decision, a thoughtful decision, and the one that was right for her. She joined him in that stand, and now they're off to a great start with the new program.
Next, I want to add two more things to this discussion about opening up possibilities:
Above the line supervision
When you're managing staff, enforcement is always on the table. If it isn't then you're opening the doors to a free-for-all. You're saying there are no limits here so anything goes. We'll tolerate any amount of bad behavior. We might struggle with you and argue with you and judge you, but we won't actually stop you.
So enforcement is what I call the bottom line of supervision. It's essential for organizational health. You have to always be able to come back there as needed. As I said elsewhere, compassion might be unconditional, but employment is not. There is a basic contract involved that sets the conditions: We are paying you to make a constructive difference for this mission and to do it as a member of this team.
Now one of the things that's so neat about the advocacy approach to management is that you almost never have to come back down to the bottom line.
Instead you get to do what I call above-the-line supervision. And this means that with your staff you get to be...
A champion—You keep seeing the best in her, especially when she forgets.
A witness—You go backstage with her. Not only do you see the results of her work, but you see who see had to be and what it took to get those results.
An ally—You stand with her when she's on the edge of a breakthrough and so she stays the course when it would be so easy to give up.
An advocate—You are on her side. And she can feel it in her bones.
There are other above-the-line personas, too, but these are my favorite four and a good place to start. Imagine having a supervisor who is all these things to you. How that would make you reach for your best every day. And think about how satisfying it could be to be all these things to your staff.
Playing with the StrengthsFinder
Here's a very fun strategy for when you want to start bringing the advocacy approach to your staff. You begin by getting all of them to focus on identifying, and then identifying with, their strengths.
Let's look at one way to make that happen...
1. You buy a copy of StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath for each of your staff. It's under $20 per person. (You might want to get one copy for yourself of the original version, Now Discover Your Strengths, by Marcus Buckingham because it's got much more detail.)
2. In the back of each book is a card that the staff person can tear open giving them a unique code. This allows them to go to the StrengthsFinder website and for free take the assessment. It'll take about 40 minutes because there are a lot of questions. And by the way, the questions are forced choice so they can kind of drive you crazy but at least you won't get bored.
When you're done you'll receive your top five signature strengths.
Whereas some assessments put you in one of 4 or 9 or 16 boxes, with the StrenghtsFinder there are millions of possibilities, because you're getting five strengths out of a range of 34.
And still, as individualized as the report is, I urge people to consider it only a beginning in terms of exploring their strengths. Your staff might want to rename their strengths or modify the definitions to make them more personal.
3. You tell everyone to keep their report secret until the next staff meeting. Then at the meeting with everyone present, one person reveals their signature strengths. Everyone else chimes in with stories about when they've seen this person demonstrating these strengths in her work.
Each staff person gets a turn to tell the group their strengths.
This makes for a lovely upbeat conversation which helps your staff develop "strengths-vision" with regard to each other—and with regard to themselves.
4. You might then have each staff print their name and their strengths on a colorful piece of paper and hang them all on the same wall in the office. It's a way of saying, This is us at our best. In the daily rush of events when it's so easy to get sucked into all the problems, here you have your wall of strengths to remind you of who you are.
5. Of course everyone has more than just five strengths, so in follow-up staff meetings you can have people tell stories of best moments, either at work or in their personal life, and everyone can join that staff person in identifying the strengths that are revealed by her stories.
6. One team of four I worked with, wrote their strengths, one each, on 3x5 post-it notes, a different color for each staff. They stuck those on the wall. And then said, "Now let's take a fifth color and capture our strengths as a team. Their organization was going through a very tough time because a competitor was telling lies about them and trying to take their funding.
To walk in every morning and see this beautiful work of art they created from their strengths kept their spirits strong and kept them at their best through the crisis.
Problems
Isn't it awfully cheeky to talk to someone about their behavior and ask them to change?
At the very least it's a challenging thing to do. And it can easily go wrong. The advocacy approach gives you your best chance to make conversations about problems go well.
How do people react when their supervisor comes to them to talk about a problem they're having in their work? Most people shrink a little, pull back and think of this as a...
Correction.
But you want...
Connection instead of correction.
And if you're demonstrative and unmistakable in taking the advocacy approach, that gives you your best chance of turning the interaction into...
A development conversation.
Which is a conversation...
About possibility even though it begins with a problem.
A staff person who feels herself to be the target of a correction is likely to put up her guard and resist.
But if she feels you to be her advocate, really feels it, then she's likely to drop her guard and engage. She's likely to work with you to make the conversation be a success.
The more you practice the advocacy stand, the more proficient you get, but what if right now, you're just starting out with it? What if having forthright conversations with staff about problem areas seems kind of daunting?
Here are some tips I hope will help...
1. Use your advocacy talents.
As you read about the advocacy approach, please keep paying attention to how much you already know about this. Think about ways it already shows up in your life, maybe in relationships outside of work. Or maybe you're shy about direct conversations, but in your best moments you've had some that really worked. Remember those. Claim the strengths you have already and call on them as you move forward.
2. Focus on your own needs first.
If you are preparing for a conversation, you come first. This means take whatever time you need to get yourself settled and clear. Sometimes by the time we get around to talking with someone about a problem, we're pretty frustrated with them. Or even angry.
But it doesn't help to carry those feelings into the conversation. They will undermine the mood of advocacy. So do what you need to do. Write in your journal. Talk to your HR person. Talk to a coach. Talk to a friend. Think about who can help you get clear.
And don't stint on the time. You may have a ton of things on your to-do list, but this is not just about a one-time conversation. What's at stake here is a relationship. It matters that you take the time you need to do it right.
There have been times when I've spent two hours or more preparing for a one-hour problem conversation, or have spent two hours helping a supervisor prepare to talk with her staff person. By no means does it always take that long. But don't cheat yourself out of the time you need.
Personally I think it's easily worth and extra hour or two if I can take a relationship up to the next level and make a deep advocacy connection with someone who was maybe headed for trouble.
3. The stand comes first.
The advocacy stand is not something to do as a technique. If you're going to do it as a technique or a short cut or a finesse, then don't do it. The hallmark of the advocacy stand is authenticity. If it's not authentic, then it'll just make the staff person angry, and they'll be right to be angry.
So once you're clear about your feelings, you want to find the place in yourself where you can be a sincere advocate for this staff person in this conversation. If you can't find that, then don't try to have an advocacy conversation.
Either give yourself a couple more days. Or just go have a basic corrective conversation instead. Please don't pretend to feel what you don't really feel.
4. Use mistakes to deepen your advocacy and connection
If the staff person can feel it in her bones that you are her advocate, then she'll likely forgive mistakes. Say you get triggered for a moment and use a judgmental phrase or two or three. If the context of advocacy is really strong, the staff person may well let those slide right by. Might not even notice them.
It's really important to do everything you can to keep judgment out of the conversation, but hey, we're human, and one of the good things about the advocacy approach is that it gives you some cushion.
And if you catch yourself saying something judgmental, stop and appologize.
Maybe you said something to the staff person like...
"During the planning for the event, you were being a jerk. And I thnk that's the primary reason it didn't raise much money this year."
Okay, so it might be true that he was being a jerk and there are times when a word like that communicates something that you want to get across. But unless you really know it's going to be okay to use such a word in this moment with this staff person, I'd really recommend that you be disciplined about sticking with non-judgmental language. And maybe what will work best is relational language.
So you might respond to your mistake like this...
"I'm sorry I said 'jerk.' That's not fair and that's not what I want to say at all. What's in my heart is this. You were operating on your own with the event. You didn't give me updates during the planning. You didn't bring any problems or concerns to me.
"And I really wish we had talked at every stage of the planning. First, because your decision to do the event on your own without the committee was the key reason attendance was down. In the past the committe has brought in 70% of the attendees.
"And second, because I want you to be a success, and just a little bit of coordination between us would have made a huge difference in the outcome.
"And third, because I genuinely enjoy working with you."
5. Call on the strengths of the staff person
Remember, you're not doing this conversation all by yourself. Someone else is in it too. Call on their goodwill. Call on their ability to help solve whatever it is you're working on with them. Call them to play at the top of their game right here in this conversation. They're not helpless, they're not a victim, they have strengths, they can do their part to make this work.
6. Start simple
If you're just starting to have direct conversations with staff, keep it simple in the beginning. Just go for one simple step forward in each conversation. As you develop your skills, you'll be able to do much more complex things with the advocacy approach.
7. Find the fun.
The advocacy approach has such a good heart. It makes for very sweet conversations even when they are about problems. So keep that in mind. Push through the daunting parts into the fun of creating a nurturing and enduring relationship.
Let me conclude the tips section with a quick personal story...
Back in my younger days, I was a "rescuer." That was my way of saying I was driven to fix people, to save them from their problems, to rescue them from having to take personal responsibility. Not a good thing, but that's how I was.
I finally got myself into a group for rescuers, and one night, Michael, the leader, turned to me and started telling me some hard truths...
Michael: You know, Rich, you're a liar.
Rich: Me?! What?! No! I believe in telling the truth. It's one of my core values.
Michael: Still, you're a liar. When you lead people to believe that they're less than they are or that they need you to save them or that they are in any way victims, you are not telling them the truth about themselves.
Rich: What?! Oh, God. You're right. That stuff is a lie.
Michael: And we're not done yet, because when you do those things to people you're hurting them.
Rich: No! Oh, don't let that be true. I'm working so hard and doing so much because I care about people. I'm doing everything I can to help them.
Michael: I believe you care about people. But something else has gotten in your way. You're furiously trying to earn love. You're trying to save people so they will like you. Give you approval. But that's not a good set up. Not for them. And guess what...
Rich: Don't let there be more...
Michael: It's not a good set up for you either. It hurts you. And the rescuer thing is a lie about who you are and who you want to be.
That was a very hard night. But it was also my awakening. It was the first time I really understood this core issue in my life. It still took me a lot of years to get the rescue stuff out of my system. But at least I was finally on the road.
Why was I able to let Michael say those things to me? And why did I listen to him and take his words to heart?
Because I knew he was my advocate. I knew it with pure 100% knowing. He didn't tell me in words that he was my advocate. But he had demonstrated it every night I had been in his group. And even as he said those uncompromising truths to me, I could feel it in his tone and attention and seriousness that he was absolutely on my side.
He said very hard words to me and yet every time I think of him, it's with great fondness.
And all of this is simply to say...
Advocacy is not a technique, it's a relationship.
Now for some more scenarios. And as you read the comments of the EDs, you might find yourself thinking, "I would never say it like that." Cool. When that happens, pause and ask yourself how you would say it.
You don't want to copy someone else. It matters that you find...
Your own advocacy voice.
Getting personal, but work personal
Here's Chris, the ED, talking with Carol about a serious problem....
Chris: You know, Carol, I've been noticing that there are times when, for whatever reason, you explode.
Carol: Huh?
Chris: That's no secret is it?
Carol: No, that's not a secret. What do you mean? Of course everybody sees it. It's just that sometimes I have to do that to get my point across.
Chris: Well, that's what I want to talk with you about during this supervision meeting. But I want to do the opposite of supervision.
Carol: That sounds scary.
Chris: What I want to do is just understand. During this hour I promise you I won't ask you do do anything different than what you're doing.
I just want to ask you what it's like when you get triggered, what it's like when you're in the middle of an explosion, and then what it's like in the aftermath. Would you be willing to have that conversation with me?
Carol: That's really weird.
Chris: Yes.
Carol: No one has ever asked me that before.
Chris: And?
Carol: Let me think about it for a minute.
Chris: Okay.
Carol: Why do you want to ask me those questions?
Chris: Because when you have an explosion I turn cold and step back from you and feel distant and that's not me. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have with you.
So if you're willing, I want to get the back-stage view so I can understand what it's like to be you in those moments.
Carol: What's the alternative?
Chris: The alternative is that I give you a directive to not ever have anymore explosions ever again when you're here at work. It's too hard on the staff. It creates a fearful atmosphere. And you know it's contrary to the guidelines for our organizational culture.
Carol: Wow, that sounds kind of hard...
Chris: Wait a minute, the most important thing is that people really like you, or want to like you. But they're scared of you exploding with no warning. That makes it hard to be friends with you. But people really want that. Staff have told me how upset they are about the explosions, but not one person has trashed you.
Carol: Wow. Well, that kind of pulls the rug out from under me. I didn't realize I was having that kind of impact on people.
Chris: I kind of thought maybe you didn't.
Carol: I really didn't. What should I do to fix this?
Chris: You know I could just tell you to stop. Or you could tell yourself to stop. But I don't want to handle it that way.
Carol: So what should we do?
Chris: I would like for you to tell me what it's like being you before, during, and after an explosion. I'm betting that there's a simple answer to this and that we'll hear it if you just start talking and just say what's true for you.
Carol: I feel embarrassed.
Chris: I can understand that. I've got my own stuff that I get embarrassed about. But imagine, if you could get a handle on this, how would your days here be different?
Carol: You and your questions. I think my explosions kind of scare me, too, because I never know when they're coming. Maybe I try to play tough because I don't want to look scared.
Chris: It seems to me you're being gutsy right now stepping into this conversation with me. And thank you for that. Let's go back to the question about triggers. Like last week when you started yelling at Judy, do you know what triggered you?
Carol: I usually feel like I'm in a fog when the trigger stuff happens.
Chris: Take a moment, even close your eyes if you want, and feel your way back there.
Carol: Hmmm. I was feeling stupid. I wrote up the report on diabetes prevention based on the data she gave me and she wasn't happy with it. There was an edge to her voice, like "You dummy." So I blasted her.
I wrote exactly what I thought she wanted and it turned out it wasn't what she wanted at all. I didn't want the problem put on me so I laid it on her. Hard.
Chris: And how does that feel now?
Carol: Terrible. Blasting someone over a report. Even I know that's dumb.
Chris: Dumb?
Carol: Dumb and helpless. If someone thinks I'm stupid it makes me feel helpless. Family stuff. Do we need to go into that.
Chris: No. But think for a moment about who you are really, the Carol everyone around here wants to like, the Carol you want to be. How would she have handled this?
Carol: Oh, God. She would have been.....really smart!
Chris: Meaning?
Carol: She would have asked a whole lot more questions right at the beginning of the assignment. Questions and more questions. We weren't clear with each other. I could have known what Judy wanted if I had just gotten her to stop long enough to go through it in detail. That wouldn't have been hard to do.
Chris: So.....smart.
Carol: I really do believe I have a lot of smarts. What if I could use my smarts to stop feeling stupid so I don't blow up?
Chris: What if?
Carol: Well, I really want that. But right now, I want to go find Judy and apologize and tell her what went wrong and make a deal with her on the report coming up next month that this time we'll set aside enough time to do our conversation right.
Chris: Cool.
Carol: And then can I come back on Friday and you can ask me more questions? Do you have the time?
Chris: I'll make the time. This is important to me. You're important to me.
Carol: Okay, I'm getting out of here. I'm feeling shy all of a sudden.
Untangling a mess
Cadan is the ED, and he sees Sierra screwing up but he's her fan and he knows this is just a matter of something she's not seeing, and once she gets it she's going to be golden again.
Sierra: Arrrggh!
Cadan: Arrrggh?Sierra: I'm so frustrated.
Cadan: About...Sierra: About how my staff keep coming to you to get their questions answered. I want you to quit talking to them. How do you expect me to be their supervisor if they're always going over my head? Send them back to me.
Cadan: I can do that, but what if that's not enough.Sierra: Okay, now I'm really frustrated. Why wouldn't that be enough?
Cadan: Because I want you to win.Sierra: You sure don't act like it.
Cadan: I'm going to act like it right now. Why don't they go directly to you?Sierra: I don't know.
Cadan: I want you to know. It matters that you know that so you can win.Sierra: Okay, I know you want me to be a success. And I appreciate you giving me this promotion. But I really don't get what I need to do to make this work.
Cadan: Not a problem.Sierra: Why do you say that?
Cadan: Because I believe in you and I believe that if we relax and unwind and talk this through, we're going to find the answer.Sierra: Okay, I'd like to do that. Do you have time now?
Cadan: Yes, I do.Sierra: Where do we start?
Cadan: When you stepped up to your new position, your peers suddenly became people you supervise. So how is it going in terms of developing this new relationship with them?Sierra: Well, I'm letting things take their course.
Cadan: Which means?Sierra: I don't want to pressure them. After their negative experience with Ralph being on their case all the time, I don't want to be bossy. I don't want to step into his shoes.
Cadan: I appreciate that because we don't need another Ralph. What else?Sierra: That's it really. I figured I'd let them take whatever time they need to get used to me being their supervisor. I try my best not to bother them. They're good staff.
Cadan: Not bothering them means...Sierra: I stay in my office a lot and cheer them on sometimes when there's a clear opening for that.
Cadan: Do you know what they say when they come to me? They don't want to bother you. They never have one bad thing to say about you. They just don't want to bother you. But they don't mind bothering me.Sierra: Well, you're just like that. Everyone knows they can always talk to you.
Cadan: That's something I've done on purpose, create that sense of welcome.Sierra: Oh. And I'm sitting in my office with the door closed. Uh-oh.
Cadan: Uh-oh?Sierra: I think I'm screwing up.
Cadan: I think you're learning. Stepping into leadership like you're doing is a big deal. You know, all of a sudden I'm thinking about how much you love salsa dancing.Sierra: What's that got to do with it?
Cadan: What do you want in a leader when you're on the dance floor?Sierra: Oh, I see where you're going with this. I want someone who is clear and definite and direct and yet is very attentive to me. So are you say that's what my staff wants from me?
Cadan: What's your best guess?Sierra: If anyone tried leading salsa like I'm running my department it would be a disaster. Oh, I'm so sorry. My staff are so eager and I'm abandoning them. That's not right. And I want to apologize to you. I'm failing the trust you put in me.
Cadan: Want to know what I'm thinking?Sierra: Okay.
Cadan: I'm thinking I'm so glad that I promoted you because you're the kind of person who takes her staff to heart like this. That's what I want in a department head.Sierra: So what do I do about this?
Cadan: Are you going dancing this week?Sierra: Yes, Tuesday and Thursday, as always.
Cadan: Are there any guys who will trade with you, be the follower so you can be the leader? Years ago when I took lessons, I used to switch like that. It was a trip to be the follower and get a feel for the other side of it.
What would it be like for you to get the feel of being the leader on the dance floor and the come back here do that with your staff?
Sierra: Yes! I can do that. Actually a couple of my girl friends would be happy to help me out with this. They'll be glad to let me try out leading. And since they already know how to follow, it'll go better.
Cadan: Cool.Sierra: But Ralph was so overbearing. I don't want to do that to my staff.
Cadan: I know that's really important to you. It makes sense that you're worried about that. But I want you to have faith in yourself. Faith that you know how to find what the right touch is for each of your staff.Sierra: I've danced with so many guys, I know the difference between too much and not enough. I know what's just right for me. Okay. No excuses, then, I can figure out what each of my staff needs. I can get this.
Cadan: Okay.Sierra: I'm going to start bothering my staff.
Cadan: What does that mean?Sierra: I'm going to stick my nose in their business. I'm going to start checking in with each of them, at the beginning of the day and the end of the day. Make sure they're getting what they need. Since there are only five of them, so I can do that easily.
In the meantime, you have my permission to keep talking with them if they come to you.
Cadan: Really?Sierra: Yes. Because in three weeks no one's going to be coming to you anymore. I'm going to win them over. I'm going to open my door. I'm going to figure out how to lead them with just the right touch. I'm going to make sure they know I'm interested in every one of their questions. Then they'll start coming to me because they want to. That's how I'm going to solve this.
Cadan: What are you noticing about yourself as a leader right now?Sierra: For the first time I feel like I'm actually taking the reins of my department.
Cadan: Yes, I'm looking at you and seeing a leader. That department has been through a very hard time and they need someone now who can bring them back from that and take them to greatness. They really can be great.Sierra: I see that. I know that.
Cadan: So who are you really?Sierra: I'm a leader in disguise. And now I'm taking off the disguise.
Cadan: I know you've got the gutsiness to lead.Sierra: You do?
Cadan: Yes, just look at the way you blasted into this conversation. And then how you've stayed right with it even in the hardest part of it. And then how you jumped into finding a solution.Sierra: Thank you. I came in here to prove you wrong. Now I'm going to go prove you right.
And now for something a little more challenging
Here Pia, the ED, does something a little risky with Ted. She does a reverse. But because he can feel her advocacy for him, it works.
Pia: Hey, Ted, we're not going to do supervision today.
Ted: We're not? What's up?
Pia: I want you to teach me.Ted; Teach you what?
Pia: The bulldozer thing.Ted: Uh.....
Pia: You know the president of our coalition?Ted; Oh, yeh, Jerry. I've been unhappy about him for the past two months. The gossip network is pinging and zinging. The people I've talked to are not happy either.
Pia: Yeh, he's a bulldozer and guess who he's set his sights on?Ted: Uh-oh. Us? He's just jealous because we're so good at what we do. We're who everyone looks to for guidance.
Pia: I'm feeling really urgent about learning how to deal with bulldozing. And you, when you're in one of your bulldozing moods, you're really, really good at it.Ted: I'm not sure that's a compliment.
Pia: I don't quite know what it is. Maybe just a fact. And I do want it to stop. It's too hard on all of us. But that's a discussion for another day. Right now I want to know how to deal with Jerry. And you're the expert. I'm not. I'm always too far over on the side of being nice.Ted: That's for sure.
Pia: So what do I do? And here's the thing. I don't want to play dueling dozers. I don't want to have to become Jerry to stop him. I want to know how to pull the rug out from under his tough guy behavior. I think he's got an awful lot to give the coalition, but if he doesn't make a change pretty fast, I'm worried people are going to start dropping out.Ted: Okay, well here's one way to look at bullies. Half them are scared and just trying to make you more scared than they are. And the other half are testing you to see how much they can get away with. Which do you think it is?
Pia: My best guess is that it's the second one with a soupçon of the first. So let's pretend I've hired you as the coalition's consultant, what would you tell us?Ted: Oh, that's easy. The first gambit for a bully would be to dominate you one by one or divide and conquer or both. So you all need to go to him together and tell him what kind of behavior you expect from him or else he can't be your president this year.
Pia: That seems to be the one thing people in our coalition don't want to do. They don't like confrontation.Ted: Well, what's at stake?
Pia: A lot, an awful lot.Ted: Well, then, this is a chance for people to learn something new about standing up for their mission—and for themselves.
Pia: It sure is. And that would be good for us even if we didn't have the Jerry problem. If I got people together would you be willing to come help us organize and then go with us to talk with Jerry?Ted: Yeh, I would. I like stuff like that.
Pia: So here's what I need to know, though. How do you take a stand without bulldozing? What's the difference?Ted: Well, we'd have the power if we're all together so we wouldn't need to bulldoze. I can help you get people into that mindset.
Pia: Okay, this is cool. I want you to work with me on this. And then sometime I'd like to have another conversation with you about you and this organization.Ted: I could see that coming. This is pretty darned slick of you to get me to help you with the very thing you want me to change in my behavior.
Pia: I thought so, too. But you know what? I'm really serious about this. We do need your help. You really can make a difference for the coalition.Ted: I know you're sincere. And I appreciate you asking me for my help instead of just coming down on me. See, the thing is that I'm used to getting my way. That's how it's always been. If I'm not getting what I want I get impatient and then I get pushy. That's why Jillian broke up with me, because I did that kind of stuff to her.
Pia: Oh, that's why. I thought the two of you were doing great together.Ted; We were, we still should be, but I blew it.
Pia: I'm so sorry.Ted: So I guess maybe it's time for me to pull up my socks and get this thing figured out. I really like everyone here. And I do want to have a good relationship with people. If you're willing, I'll agree to start talking about this in supervision.
Pia: I'm willing. I'd be glad to team up with you on this.Ted: And one more thing. Do you happen to have any tips on apologizing to someone you love? I mean the kind of deep apology that might win her back?
Pia: Oh, yeh, I do know something about that...
Setting up a coaching agreement with someone who's reluctant
How do you introduce the idea of doing something more than typical supervision? Here's Coral, the ED, talking with her staff person Kevin.
Coral: Hi, Kevin. I wanted to ask you today if you want to try the coaching that I'm offering to each of my direct reports. It's up to you.
Kevin: I haven't made up my mind, but I'd probably rather not.
Coral: May I ask what you've been thinking about it?Kevin: I don't think it's my kind of thing.
Coral: Because...Kevin: Because when I'm in the lunch room with Gloria, Maddie, and Kate, and I hear them talking about the coaching they're doing with you, it sounds so intense and personal and I'm more of a private person. I only talk like that at night with Mary when I'm at home.
Coral: The coaching is optional. You don't have to do it.Kevin: But do you really mean that?
Coral: I do and here's why. Forced coaching isn't coaching. Coaching doesn't work that way. It can't. So yes, I really mean it. But I'm wondering if you'd be willing to talk with me for a few minutes about coaching anyway, because if it's something that would work for you, I don't want you to miss out on it.Kevin: I can spare a few minutes.
Coral: The thing about coaching is that you can design it to be what you need it to be. It's not one set thing and everybody does it the same.Kevin: Okay. I know that if I have to do it the way Gloria does it I'm going to flunk and I really don't like failing.
Coral: You absolutely don't have to do it Gloria's way. If you decided to try coaching with me, the first thing we'd do is find your way of doing it.Kevin: That sounds all right, but what's the difference between supervision and coaching? I don't understand why we can't do what we've been doing in these meetings all along.
Coral: Coaching gives you something extra. I see it like this. Coaching is a way for people to claim their personal moxie and be more powerful in their work. And get more satisfaction because they're being more effective.Kevin: Well, I always like being effective. That's a big value of mine.
Coral: I know it is. That's one of the reasons I'm so glad you're here on this team. Did you know that when I offer people coaching, it's not a corrective thing? It's a bonus.Kevin: So when you tell me I need coaching, it's not like I'm doing something wrong?
Coral: Oh, no. Exactly the opposite. I really count on you. I know that in every part of your job you give it your all. I know if there are ever problems that you're going to come tell me about them right away. I really mean it, coaching is a bonus.Kevin: Well, I like how we use this supervision time.
Coral: Yes, me, too. And maybe you've noticed that we mostly talk about how-tos.Kevin: Hmmm. Yes, that's true.
Coral: Well, coaching gets a bit more personal, but not in a therapy way.Kevin: I definitely don't want to do therapy stuff. I tried that once and it just made me feel worse. The guy was obsessed with the abuse and all the bad stuff that happened when I was a kid. But I was ready to move forward. I wanted a life. Which is what I've got now with Mary. Well, and with the work I do here, too.
Coral: I'm sorry that that therapist did not pay attention to what you needed. The idea of coaching is to match what you need so you can move forward in your work. And we don't go into the past. We don't get personal in that way at all.Kevin: What exactly do we do?
Coral: We get personal in terms of your strengths and in terms of what's possible for you going forward.Kevin: Like how?
Coral: Well, for example, what's a challenge that you're facing right now?Kevin: Oh, that's easy. It's our subcontract with Mack's program. He's always trying to get away with the minimum of work while claiming the maximum of credit. I've had five serious talks with him and nothing changes. Maybe you could coach him instead of me.
Coral: Maybe it's time to call the question with Mack. The subcontract ends in four months. What if you told him that we're not renewing it unless things change.Kevin: That would be radical. I don't know if I'm ready to have that conversation. He's a pretty touch character.
Coral: Say for a moment that we decided to call the question. Supervision would mean that I'd brainstorm how-tos with you. And coaching would mean that I'd do that and I'd talk with you about your personal strengths and which ones of them you could bring to a decisive conversation with Mack.Kevin: Like?
Coral: I know you actually have a good basic ability to take a stand for yourself.Kevin: How do you see that?
Coral: I see it right now in this conversation. You are not just agreeing to coaching because I'm proposing it. You're not being a nice guy tying to please me. You're paying attention to what you need and what's true for you. So we're having a genuine negotiation right now about coaching.Kevin: Okay, I see that.
Coral: So we'd look at your strengths in this conversation and how you take those into a conversation with Mack.Kevin: I'd need to ramp up my strengths a good bit to deal with him.
Coral: If that's what you wanted to do, then we could design your coaching to do that. You know, the couple times you've talked about what you went through as a kid, I've been so impressed with how you've put a life together for yourself.Kevin: Yeh, it's been quite a journey.
Coral: And I wonder if there's something from that experience that's one of the reasons you have such instant empathy with our clients. You do know you work some kind of special magic with them, don't you?Kevin: Well, yeh, they seem to like me a lot.
Coral: And they really listen to you. So coaching is like that. It's like being in the import business.
Kevin: Import business?!
Coral: Un-huh. You take strengths from one area of your life and bring them over to another area. And sometimes, yes, you ramp them up. When you think about the situation with Mack, and if you could have it work out any way you want, what would that be?
Kevin: I'd really like to be done with him. I've been getting to know Janey and her organization. I was over there the other day for a meeting and I was impressed. Her staff are much younger, they have a lot less experience than Mack and his crew, but they've got heart. If I could just wave a magic wand I'd have them handling the subcontract, not Mack.
Coral: And what would it take for you to do that transfer? Who would you have to be?Kevin: I'd have to be me only double strength.
Coral: And what would that be like for you?Kevin: I'd like it a lot. You know there are lots of times when I feel like I'm holding myself in check. I wish I didn't do that.
Coral: If you wanted to do coaching, that's what your agenda could be. And I'd be glad to work on that with you. I'm a big fan of yours and I sometimes get the sense that there's much more to you than what we've seen so far. And what we've seen is really good. You don't have to do more than what you've been doing. But if you want to...Kevin: I want to. So I guess I just signed up for coaching.
Coral: Worse than that. You've already been doing coaching in that this is a coaching kind of conversation we've been having.Kevin: Oh, well, then I guess it's not so bad.
Coral: What about this? What if we decided to just continue having this conversation? I like your idea about transferring the subcontract. I've been hearing good things about Janey since she took over at the service center. Really good things. I would love for you to negotiate the transfer and actually have fun doing it.Kevin: Fun?!
Coral: Yes, fun. Let's look at all the pros and cons, but I really don't want you to have to put up with crap from anyone. If we decide that Janey is the way to go, then what might the conversation with Mack sound like?Kevin: Like "Goodbye!" That would be kind of fun. No more struggle, just business. Like the simple fact that the contract is over and we've chosen not to renew. And then I'll tell him, "Your chickens have come home to roost, mister."
Coral: I want to be there to see that!Kevin: Just joking. I won't say that, but I'll sure be thinking it. Okay, you're on. Let's do this. I really am done with Mack. And I'm done with being the guy who puts up with guys who I don't need to put up with.
A treat
Advocacy is not the same thing as coaching, but the two share the same core spirit. And the more you learn about coaching, the richer your advocacy conversations become.
So here's a book I recommend...
Coaching for Nonprofit Managers and Leaders
by Judith Wilson and Michelle Gislason
You can order it directly from Wiley by clicking here:
http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0470401303.html
I know both Judith and Michelle, and they've used four of the conversations from my staff pages, so I might be a bit biased, but I think they've written the best book on coaching to date. I think it's the easiest one to learn from. I like that they have lots of sample conversations, so you not only get to understand coaching intellectually, but you also get a practical feel for it.
Here are my other pages about staff issues if you want to check them out:
Relationship courage: Stepping in vs. stepping away
© 2008 Rich Snowdon
